“Should a Christian date a non-Christian?”
That’s actually a very common question.
Attraction isn’t bound by personal convictions or theology, so the question predictably arises about following through on such strong urges.
As you can tell by the title here though, neither I nor the Bible say “yes”.
I unfortunately have knowledge from my own experience with this topic, so instead of simply rejecting the notion with a few Scriptures, I’ll break this down even further, and show you 7 reasons why dating a non-Christian won’t work.
7 Reasons Why a Christian Shouldn’t Date a Non-Christian
Reason 1: You’ll Be Disobeying Scripture’s Command
The most straightforward reason why Christians shouldn’t date non-Christians is that the Bible says you shouldn’t.
In a popular passage from Second Corinthians, Paul writes, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” (2 Cor 6:14 ESV).
A yoke is a structure that binds animals together so their combined force can help plow a field. The Mosaic Law in the Old Testament actually forbid an ox and a donkey from being yoked together for multiple reasons—one of which was the difference in size and strength between the animals that would lead to inefficient work (see Deut. 22:10).
This metaphor Paul used is most often applied to marriage, but the context of the passage is about close relationships in general. And because of this, the same command can be applied to dating. (Note: You can also see 1 Cor. 7:39 which states marriage—the goal of Christian dating—should be “only in the Lord”).
Just as an ox and a donkey create imbalance when they work together, your character, focus, and goals will inevitably cause disorder if you pair with a nonbeliever.
I’ll help you understand the reasons why next.
Reason 2: You’ll Have a Different Moral Authority
There was a time, in America at least, when Christian moral values and those generally accepted by the public weren’t far off, but now, the difference is much more apparent.
Why is this?
It’s because America, like many other nations, has rampant idolatry.
A lot of people think idolatry is restricted to civilizations of old, but true idolatry is far from extinct—it’s just different. When you think about it, all supposedly non-religious people practice idolatry too. They just treat themselves as their own god.
Sure, they may have been raised as a “good person”, and other people may influence their choices too, but their ultimate authorities are their own feelings, justifications, and conscience.
The more a nation embraces its own ways like this instead of God’s, the more it will predictably “progress” to a worse state. And if you choose to date someone enslaved to this decline, you won’t share common ground for why you should act the way you do.
Reason 3: Your Dating Goals Won’t Align
Sex, cohabitation, perpetual noncommitment—those are all common features of dating with a worldly view.
Non-Christians date for the support, intimacy, and security marriage provides, but they scorn the need for patience and commitment that should precede them.
This all leads to temporary alliances that cause the following results:
- Cheerful demeanors become jaded attitudes
- Innocent idealists become suspicious cynics
- And longtime friends become lifelong enemies
The goals of Christian dating, however, should never lead to those outcomes.
Christian dating should be a time to test for potential intimacy, not to share in the experience itself. The focus should always be on finding a partner worthy of commitment, not pulling future benefits into the present.
These goals are so foreign to non-Christians now that they’ll be repulsed if you actually have them. People are used to getting what they want whenever they want it these days, and if you stand in opposition to that, you can kiss any goodwill goodbye.
Reason 4: Your Fruit Will Clash With Theirs
Scripture tells us that true Christians aren’t just people who read the Bible and go to church. A true Christian has been born again in an act called regeneration (John 3:3, 2 Cor. 5:17, 1 Pet. 1:23, Titus 3:5).
Regeneration is a supernatural work of the Holy Spirit where He changes us from the inside out. Our eyes are opened to the truth of the gospel and our hearts are changed to produce the fruit of the Spirit (see Gal 5:22-23). The Holy Spirit makes us sensitive to God’s commands and also gives us the power and the will to follow them (Ezek. 36:26-27 ESV, Phil. 2:13 ESV, 1 John 3:9 ESV).
Non-Christians don’t have this benefit.
Christians often underestimate the Spirit’s influence since we can’t actually see Him, but if you spend time around people who aren’t saved, the difference is undeniable.
Instead of showing the Spirit’s fruit, nonbelievers will express works of their flesh (Gal. 5:19-21). And no matter how nice of an image they present publicly, their real self that’ll be exposed while dating will prove how right the Bible is.
Many supposedly normal people have very messy lives behind the scenes. Just think about how you still fight with personal sin in your own life, and now imagine how bad things would be if you didn’t have supernatural help to overcome it.
Nonbelievers are slaves to those desires—just like we used to be (Eph. 2:3 NIV, Titus 3:3, 1 Pet. 4:3 NIV). Deep down, they know it’s an issue and unconsciously crave the only Person who can free them, but instead, they’re stuck seeking answers from therapists who can only give drugs and platitudes.
There is no human answer to our shared sinful condition. Christians alone have the light that shines within dark hearts (2 Cor. 4:6 ESV), so make sure you choose someone who has that same light within.
Reason 5: You’ll Be Tempted the Most to Compromise
Jesus said to “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it” (Matt. 7:13-14 NIV).
The metaphor here expresses the truth that Christianity is countercultural. The genuine Christian lifestyle will never be the dominant one in this world. That’s because following Christ in this current age is challenging.
Self-denial, persecution, and temptation are all expected in true Christian faith. By contrast, the many people on the broad path have no intention of facing those challenges. They don’t accept Jesus as Lord, so why would they deny their desires and live a more difficult life?
People almost always default to what’s easier for them, and if you date someone on the broad path, they’ll influence you to take the easy road too.
A lot of immature Christians think “love” will be enough to make missionary dating successful, but the influence often works the other way around:
Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company corrupts good morals’ (1 Cor. 15:33 NASB)
Dating is not the proper way to save people. Leave their salvation to Jesus instead.
Reason 6: Your Potential Children Will Be Misled
Let’s say you date a non-Christian and later marry them despite the warnings here. What effect do you think that will have on your future children?
If you and your spouse aren’t aligned with your views on God, church, and morality, your children will be pulled in all kinds of directions.
Kids are very impressionable, and if the two of you don’t present unified ideas of how life should be lived, you might find yourself in a household where you are the only believer.
This is one reason why God forbid the Israelites from intermarrying with certain people in the Old Testament. Contrary to what some racists falsely teach, this restriction was about generational faith, not genetics:
Do not intermarry with them. Do not give your daughters to their sons or take their daughters for your sons, for they will turn your children away from following me to serve other gods… (see Deut. 7:1-4 NIV)
Life is already difficult if your partner influences you to compromise, so why would you introduce that challenge to your future children?
God cared enough about Israel’s children to enact the restriction above. You should care enough about your own kids to influence them correctly too.
Reason 7: You’ll Waste Resources on a Short-Term Union
Maybe you already know each reason listed here. You’re aware that dating a non-Christian is a mistake, but somehow, you’re doing it anyway.
Perhaps you’ve reached the point where the issues described are notable and you realize you’re in a doomed relationship. Sure, the honeymoon phase was awesome and it felt good to be with this person no matter their beliefs at first, but the increasingly apparent absence of long-term compatibility is gnawing at you.
The lost time you could have spent pursuing a godly partner, the money you wasted sharing vain experiences, and the emotional investment that’ll probably take months to recover from are all side effects of getting too deep in this wrong relationship.
Here’s the good news though if you’re just dating: you can leave.
The best time to choose the right partner is before you date the wrong one. The second-best time is now.
God doesn’t command us to act certain ways to kill our fun or make life miserable. He does it because He cares for us.
I know how hard it is these days to find someone who loves you. Being even more discerning on top of that is tough, but there are good reasons for it. That’s why I encourage you to think about everything here and make the wisest decision possible.
If you do that, you’ll still have at least one Person who loves you very much.
-Drew
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