I have never been a fast learner.
Anyone marked as a smart kid growing up knows certain traits are assumed in “gifted” children, but the ability to catch on fast was one I wished people never thought I had.
Sure, I understood things perfectly after taking time to review it myself, but I couldn’t stand teachers who quizzed me on material they taught half an hour before.
Thinking about it now, my apparent deficiency wasn’t restricted to the classroom either:
- I never made friends quickly in life.
- My first romantic relationship came pretty late.
- And I couldn’t even pump gas correctly until my dad explicitly showed me how to do so.
I always felt “fake smart” for a while because of this. It seemed like my peers were dropped in the most unfamiliar situations and adapted instantly while I always lagged behind.
It was frustrating…to say the least.
There was always a textbook or study notes I could use to excel academically, but as far as I knew, there wasn’t anything similar that laid out everything about life. That life manual was exactly what I needed though, because later circumstances pulled me even further behind.
I stopped trying to keep up at all after a while, and soon, I realized life had gotten far worse than I ever expected, but I didn’t care.
My life had no joy. I felt all alone. And I had no idea what I could even do…
But then I remembered my Bible.
I grew up in a Christian family and became a believer myself at a young age. I went to Christian schools for my early education and knew more Bible verses than many adults, but even at that point, Scripture was another item I didn’t fully understand.
I did remember though what my 3rd grade teacher told me back then. She mentioned how valuable the book of Proverbs was one day and how much its words applied to everyday life.
I don’t know how that memory popped in my head over a decade later, but I decided to pick up the book again.
I read all of Proverbs that one lonely night at my apartment. And even though that was far from my first read, the themes of godly wisdom, knowledge, and understanding stood out more than ever.
This introductory passage in particular seemed to speak directly to me at the time:
My son, if you receive my words,
And treasure my commands within you,
So that you incline your ear to wisdom,
And apply your heart to understanding;
Yes, if you cry out for discernment,
And lift up your voice for understanding,
If you seek her as silver,
And search for her as for hidden treasures;
Then you will understand the fear of the Lord,
And find the knowledge of God.
For the Lord gives wisdom;
From His mouth come knowledge and understanding (Prov. 2:1-6)
These verses presented wisdom, understanding, and discernment as traits to actively seek. They were “hidden treasures” you should “cry out for” and “lift up your voice for”, so that’s what I did.
I told God that I was tired of feeling behind. I admitted that I wasn’t skilled enough to succeed in everyday life, and that I needed supernatural help to feel any happiness again.
I didn’t just want to understand the book of Proverbs then, I wanted to wrap my head around the whole Bible. I wanted God to give me all the wisdom He could possibly give so I could see life with new eyes. He was the source of knowledge and understanding to me, so I knelt by my bed alone asking Him to provide.
Then I went to sleep.
No angel came to visit me that night, I didn’t feel any spiritual power, and I didn’t hear God’s voice. I woke up the next morning like usual and everything felt the same.
Over the next few years, however, my desires drastically changed:
- I gained a near-insatiable interest in the Bible and soon read it all cover-to-cover.
- My eyes opened wide to analyze pastors and teachers who once bored me with their words.
- And my perspective increasingly changed to see all of life through a biblical lens.
I constantly consumed secular writing then too, but it became so easy to tell when those words had value and when their ignorance could be ignored.
I had become a completely different person a few years after my prayer, but looking back now, it seems the real change did happen overnight.
It wasn’t obvious at the time, but my prayer and my experience afterward proved Jesus’ half-brother right:
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind (James 1:5-6 ESV).
For the first time in a long time, I did feel happy. I stopped being lazy. I learned how to work hard. And I started solving problems proactively.
Life was enjoyable again because God instilled the wisdom in me to face it. And my newfound understanding of the faith brought me even closer to Him too.
That prayer I spoke years ago allows me to share the truth I know today.
I’ve experienced how real the promises God made in Scripture are. The events I would have called a coincidence before I now see as His fingerprints on my life.
God opened the eyes of an awkward, depressed kid like me who just wanted to be happy. And for that reason, I will always be grateful.
-Drew
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