“You’re so judgmental!!!”
That’s the response I get when I delve a little too deep into my analytical side.
I’m somewhat of a perfectionist myself, so it’s no surprise that I hold others to my own lofty standards. And that’s one of many flaws I’m still working on.
There are certain times, however, when I’m unapologetic in my ways. And as you can see by the title of this article, this is one of those times.
The ability to screen out promiscuous women is one of the most valuable skills any man can have. It keeps you from wasting precious resources on a girl who couldn’t care less about you, and it protects you from being yet another clueless man in the dark.
A girl who sleeps around is never a good choice for your investment. And no matter what our culture tries to prove, the truth is that past sexual experience will always affect future relationships for the worse.
That’s why I created this list of 15 red flags to look for when you evaluate a potential partner.
This list is by no means exhaustive, and I’m sure there are plenty more signs you should be aware of too. But this one is intended to be a relatively quick check, and I’ve tried to limit it to signs you can notice within a few weeks at the most, or that you can easily find out with a scan of her social media.
Now I’m sure both you and I will catch some flak here for being “judgmental”, but remember, it’s not wrong to look out for your own interests. And in order to protect those interests, you need to discern the character of the people closest to you.
Being judgmental is assuming people’s character based on qualities outside their control. Discernment is deducing their character based on info they freely provide.
Only a fool would need a DNA test on an apple tree to confirm what it is…
Smart people just look at the fruit.
The 15 Red Flags Every Man Should Know
#1 She can’t stay at home. / She’s a party girl.
What it means: She needs excitement.
If she can’t enjoy a quiet night at home, walk away.
These kind of girls seem fun and interesting at first, but their lifestyle gets old fast. Plus there’s no telling how many intoxicated guys have taken their shot at her.
So find a girl who would rather read a book, watch a TV show, work out at home, cook a new meal, or talk to her friends on the phone.
“But that doesn’t sound like fun…”
No, most guys would say it doesn’t. But you know what’s more important than fun in relationships?
Stability.
A girl who runs out of her place every night has a need for excitement. And that need will find a way to bite you.
Sure, everything will be great when you’re both in a good mood, but what happens when she gets bored, or worse, when she’s unhappy?
If she needed excitement before she met you she will need it afterwards. And those thrills won’t be limited to a few drinks with the girls.
Most people are plenty fun when you get to know them anyway. So instead of worrying about that, ask yourself some more important questions:
- Will she be there during a rough patch in your life?
- Will she say “no” when a bigger fish comes along?
- Does she avoid situations where she’ll be unnecessarily tempted?
Those are the questions you want answered (indirectly of course—actions speak louder than words).
Work on all those first. Then you can talk about fun.
#2 She has too many male friends.
What it means: She’s addicted to male attention.
Notice I said friends here and not acquaintances.
There’s nothing wrong with a woman having a conversation with a man. And if you do have a problem with that, you’re too possessive. A woman making small talk with her male coworker isn’t cause for concern.
But if she has close relationships to other guys, and she consistently talks to them about personal issues, that’s when you should be worried.
The true number of platonic male-female relationships is very small, and most of them only exist due to special circumstances.
But for the most part, men and women do not just become friends.
The truth is that the two sexes are equal, but different. And it’s tough for us to form close bonds outside of a romantic or sexual relationship.
Any girl who has tons of guy friends is bad news because almost all of them are attracted to her. And since she hasn’t made an effort to turn them down, it means she’s addicted to their attention.
If you don’t meet the requirements of such a popular girl, she’ll eagerly pick a replacement from her pool of waiting “friends”.
#3 She has tattoos or piercings on interior body parts.
What it means: She’s impulsive.
I’ve never been a fan of tattoos, so I wouldn’t look for a significant other who has any. But this red flag is more about the positioning of the ones she has.
If a girl has tattoos or piercings on any interior body parts (i.e. her upper thighs, torso, etc.), it is not a good sign. And here are only a few reasons why:
- Someone had to put it there
- People don’t get tattoos to cover them up
- She makes long-term decisions based on short-term results
It’s just a terrible choice all around. Why would you taint the natural beauty you have with a man-made distraction?
It doesn’t make sense to me.
But in a way, I guess you should be happy when you see a girl like this. She’s made your job easy by effectively saying, “Don’t take me serious.”
#4 She’s a (moderate to heavy) drinker. / She does recreational drugs.
What it means: She allows unnecessary temptation.
Contrary to popular belief, human beings are not inherently good. And when given the choice, we will always be inclined to do what’s morally wrong.
Many times our conscious thought overrides this inclination, but whenever alcohol or drugs are involved, that inhibition goes out the window.
The point here is related to the first red flag about party girls—she allows herself to be tempted. And why would you ever trust a girl who intentionally lowers her self-control?
You are playing with fire and you know it.
Yes, crimes like theft will always be wrong, but we all have a responsibility to lock our doors.
#5 She’s a man hater. / She tests you to see if you’re man enough.
What it means: She lacks healthy relationships with the men in her life.
- “All men are blah blah blah…”
- “Guys only care about blah blah blah…”
- “Men don’t deserve blah blah blah blah blah…”
Yeah, it’s annoying.
Man haters are the worst. I understand that some of us really are terrible, but if every guy she meets is like that, take a look at the common denominator.
Yes, I’m tough on the opposite sex sometimes, but even I know that there are fantastic women out there.
You can’t let the good ones convince you that all girls are sweet and innocent, and you can’t let the bad ones blind you to the praiseworthy women either.
The same is true about our side.
So if a girl always complains about the men in her life, she’s either still bitter about a failed relationship, or she presents herself as an object for men to lust after.
#6 She can’t put her phone down. / She’s addicted to social media.
What it means: She craves attention and drama.
The online version of too many male friends.
A smart girl knows that male attention doesn’t result from her “amazing personality”.
The number of friends and likes she gets is directly proportional to how attractive people think she is.
This stuff is honestly common sense by now but you still see the same thing all the time. A fairly attractive girl only has to post a few pictures, and boom, she’s got 50 dudes trying to hit her up.
She probably won’t give any of them the time of day—unless one of them is like, so hot—but at least she got her daily attention fix. Plus she’s found a new group of reliable “friends” to support her.
It’s ridiculous. And don’t even get me started on the drama.
If she’s more interested in her phone than she is in you, don’t try to change her mind.
#7 She’s comfortable in revealing clothes. / She’s insensitive to male touch.
What it means: She’s used to it.
Do you really think she dresses that way for you?
Do you honestly believe it’s normal for guys to hug and hold her like it’s no big deal?
She’s used to it, man. And even if she isn’t promiscuous now, it won’t take much effort for her to get that way.
But going back to her style of dress, you might believe her choice of clothes doesn’t matter anymore. You think that times have changed, and this girl is different. So different in fact that she’s above all of human nature.
Yeah, keep believing that.
The reality is that men are visual creatures. And both men and women instinctively know that the way a women dresses determines the type of attention she gets.
Our society doesn’t like to acknowledge that fact nowadays, so we try to ignore it as best as we can.
Instead, we say she has high self esteem, that she deserves to show off her body. And if you don’t like it, you’re living in the past.
But please don’t buy the “I’m-proud-of-my-body-so-I-need-to-be-half-naked” excuse.
People who are comfortable with a fit body, or great wealth, or whatever else they have don’t feel the need to show it off. They rest assured in the knowledge that it’s there.
The only people who show off are the ones who need validation. And they always need it from multiple people.
So if any girl shows too much skin, or if she’s fine with being hugged or touched any kind of way, you need to reconsider.
#8 She believes that things just happen. / She follows her heart. / She’s in love with “love” and relationships.
What it means: She lacks emotional control.
These girls are tricky for inexperienced guys, so let me explain.
It feels great at first to be the focus of a girl’s undying love. And the highs of having a beautiful woman enraptured by you is something straight outta the movies.
But guess what?
You will never be the only one.
You just happen to be her drug of the month. And all it takes is a more attractive or manipulative man to change her loyalties.
That is the dark reality of girls who “follow their heart.”
So instead of chasing a girl who’s crazy….about you, find a girl who tempers her heart with her head.
Don’t be afraid of love. Just make sure it’s the real thing first.
#9 She uses profanity.
What it means: She doesn’t value purity.
I don’t like profanity.
Sure, I went through a phase where it was cool to sprinkle in some “sentence enhancers”, but even then it still felt wrong.
Pure speech is something I value now, and it really does bother me to hear people—male or female—casually drop f-bombs. I don’t give them a stare or anything, but I know that profanity usually indicates that something is off in your life.
That’s one reason why I never use profanity on this site. Out of all the posts on HFE, I haven’t used a single curse word, and I plan to keep it that way.
But getting back to the meaning of this red flag, it just shows a lack of class.
If a girl doesn’t have the decency to control something as simple as her conversation, think about how ugly the rest of her lifestyle is.
#10 She’s friends with known promiscuous women. / She takes an interest in promiscuous celebrities.
What it means: She won’t be shamed for sleeping around, and she will probably be encouraged to do so.
Men compartmentalize their friends.
Of course not every guy is the same, but usually he’ll have his videogame pals, his college study group, his boys from work, his basketball squad, his fantasy football crew, and so on.
And what’s funny about all these friend buckets is that they usually include men from all walks of life.
You’ll have a mix of low income guys, wealthy guys, smart guys, dumb guys, you get the point. But as long as they all have that one thing in common, they don’t really care about much else.
Women are different.
Almost every girl I know has friends who are very similar to her. Everything from the way they dress, to the grades they get, to the income they earn, to the guys they like, and even their political stance—it’s almost always the same.
While men care more about the one activity they have in common, women focus more on similar lifestyles.
And now you see where I’m going.
You may not be able to tell if she sleeps around, but if you know her friends do, it’s a giant red flag.
Even if this girl is completely innocent, she knows her friends won’t look down on her if she does indulge, and that’s why she’s surrounded herself with them.
It’s even worse if she takes an interest in promiscuous celebrities. They’re just like her friends who get around but with additional influence and social status.
If [blank] can do [blank] and still be [blank], why can’t she?
#11 She uses New Age lingo. / She’s into horoscopes.
What it means: She won’t take responsibility for her actions.
If you meet a girl who always goes on about people’s “energy”, the workings of karma, or the meaning behind her horoscope, you need to run and run quickly.
I have numerous reasons why I wouldn’t get with a girl like this, but one of the more practical ones is that she won’t take responsibility for anything.
The stars are what drive her behavior, and she will be justified in spiting you because her negative-energy-sense was tingling.
It’s bad enough dealing with people who can’t control their impulses, but if she truly believes that “the universe” is causing her actions, avoid her at all costs.
#12 She has no discernible skills outside of her physical appearance.
What it means: She’s going down the wrong career path.
Everyone needs money. And if that need is not met, people will resort to all kinds of evil to meet it.
If this particular girl doesn’t have any marketable skills outside of being “hot”, she is going down the wrong road.
Eventually she will…
A. Find some way to make money off her appearance
B. Get bailed out by another man, or…
C. Be left in a financial hole when her beauty fades
Now you could argue that A wouldn’t be too bad of a scenario depending on the work involved (e.g. innocent modeling), but none of these are favorable to her developing a solid set of skills when she had the chance.
Not only has she put herself in a position where her beauty can be abused, but she’s also shown that she’s fine with being a drain on people’s resources.
That’s not good.
Everyone needs a strong work ethic, no matter who they are. And if she doesn’t have one, she’ll be pressured into compromising situations.
#13 She rushes the relationship. / She’s a little too perfect. / She tries too hard to seem like a good match.
What it means: She’s overcompensating.
Another tricky one here.
The average guy won’t deal with many girls like this, but the name of this site isn’t Hunger for Average, so you need to look out for this one.
As you start to care more about your appearance and get your life in order, you’ll notice that girls will seemingly come out of nowhere. And the ones you were invisible to before will make it obvious that they’re interested.
Sounds great right?
But the problem is that some of these girls won’t have the best intentions.
Almost every semi-attractive girl has been treated like a princess her whole life (and that’s one reason why a man who’s trained himself to be immune to beauty is so attractive to them).
But the side effect of this treatment is that many women expect partiality from every guy they meet. So now when they see you—a man who’s in good shape and has his life together—they don’t see a person, but rather, a tool who has the means to carry “her highness” through life.
This is particularly an issue with a girl in her late 20’s or early 30’s. Her internal clock is ticking and she knows she has to find a man before her beauty fades.
But you can’t let her clock dictate your life.
People get burned all the time by making hasty choices. And it’s a known manipulation tactic to rush people into big decisions.
Yes, there will be girls who genuinely like you, and they’ll be eager to start something special together. But you need to be aware of the other scenario too.
Beauty doesn’t get ignored. And if an attractive girl hasn’t locked down a man by this time in her life, it’s very possible that she used her beauty for other means when she was younger, and now she’s scrambling to find a man who doesn’t know any better.
Of course this isn’t always the case. Breakups happen and some people just have an unfortunate streak with relationships. But barring any significant change to her appearance, and without any other special cause, the former is a real possibility.
Remember that your interests are important too. And you are not obligated to take any dude’s leftovers simply because she needs a man now.
“But she’s changed! She’s not like that anymore! And she’s committed to doing better!”
That’s great. And I applaud her. But that doesn’t mean you owe her a relationship.
I’m all for acceptance and forgiveness, but I also know that forgiveness isn’t the removal of all consequences.
#14 She accuses you of being promiscuous, or worse, tries to prove you are.
What it means: She’s telling you how she would act if she was in your position (a.k.a. projection).
A girl who makes accusations like this doesn’t understand how any decent looking person could say no to their suitors. Especially since she could never hope to do the same.
You’re just a stupid boy who couldn’t possibly deny easy pleasure, and it’s her job to prove that assumption right.
It’s all so silly.
I’ve dealt with girls who tried to find faults that weren’t there and I had a real good laugh afterwards.
But while it is funny that a former acne-faced, overweight, emo guy would have to convince anyone he’s not about that life, I am very serious about guarding my integrity.
So if any girl accuses me of something like this, I know we need to part ways.
#15 Your gut tells you so.
What it means: You’re not comfortable with her.
Attraction is weird.
The first time anyone sees a person they like, comfort is nowhere to be found. There’s excitement, there’s anxiety, and there’s interest—not comfort.
But that all changes as time goes by.
The more you get to know someone, the more comfortable you feel around them.
The guy you thought was an antisocial creep just happens to be the life of the party. The girl you thought was such a snob before is actually kind and warm-hearted. And this new familiarity generally leads to more comfort.
But if time passes and you still don’t feel comfortable around this girl, it’s a bad sign. Your body is subconsciously telling you that something about her is off. And you know deep down that you can’t trust her.
“But didn’t you just make fun of girls and their ‘negative-energy-sense’? So how is it okay for guys to do the same thing?”
Because what I’m talking about here isn’t just a feeling. What I’m describing are physiological changes that happen solely because of this person.
Yes, it sounds far-fetched, but if you are fine around every person except her, something is wrong. And I’m not talking about a few butterflies in the stomach here.
If you start breaking a sweat when she shows up, if your sleep schedule suddenly changes, and if you’re always on your toes around her, your body is in alert mode. And instead of being able to work, or perfect your craft, or do anything else, you will constantly be thinking about her.
But again, don’t confuse this with some middle school crush obsession. This is about a girl who won’t give you any assurance that she is committed to you.
You will have to do everything to keep the relationship afloat, and that always leads to disaster. The minute you fall short in her eyes your worst fear will come true.
Of course you still want to be as attractive as possible to make her decision easy, but if the success of the relationship depends solely on you, find someone else.
Good leaders set an example for others and create a vision for the future…
They don’t do all the work.
Successful relationships will always take effort, but if you can’t relax at all with her, it’s a bad sign.
Weed ‘Em Out
So if you read this whole post, you’ve probably noticed a theme here.
All of these are signs that stem from a lack of one character trait:
Self-control.
This list is all about discerning if a girl has that one critical trait.
If she doesn’t have it, don’t try to change her, don’t make excuses for her, and please don’t waste time thinking about her. Just walk away.
And if you have a hard time doing that, ask yourself if you would help a man who acted the same way.
Sure, this may all seem cold-blooded, but when the stakes are this high, it’s always better to be safe than sorry. There is simply too much at risk when you choose a long term partner. And if you can’t trust someone you’ll eventually think about marrying, you need to end it as soon as possible.
No amount of beauty is worth the headache and embarrassment. If a woman’s actions show that she doesn’t respect you, move on and find a girl who does.
Just remember that nothing here is foolproof either. Some girls are crafty and they won’t show many of the signs listed here—but that’s okay.
The point isn’t to catch every girl who’s like this. The point is to save time by weeding out the easy ones. And once you do that, you’ll be closer to finding a girl who’s worth the investment.
So be smart, stay strong, and have a little fun too. It’s easy to get too serious about things like this, but keep a good attitude and you’ll be fine.
If you know what all to avoid, just imagine how much you can cherish a keeper.
-Drew
P.S. This article is featured as one of the best of HFE! Click here to see the whole list.
13/15 with my ex. Drug addict, alcoholic, emotional baggage, drama queen, mental illness, list goes on. I’m not a psychologist but the likelihood she has some kind of borderline-type disorder is pretty high to me. The black & white thinking and devaluation from love of her life to bad person in a matter of hours was just too much. She has so little self-worth that she started resenting me for staying with her – a proper trap.
As the saying goes if you wear rose-colored glasses, red flags just look like flags. Learned to pay attention to my intuition from that since your gut doesn’t lie and I ignored that big time.
My mind keeps tricking me that I have all these great memories from our time together and that I miss her but it is mostly the crazy sex that comes to mind. It’s a powerful drive to get yourself into dangerous situations but no basis for a long-term relationship.
Yeah, I experienced something similar. People don’t like to talk about stuff like this and then wonder why unhealthy relationships are on the rise.
Hopefully things go better for you the next time around.
Thanks, you too.
A few things that I would add as red flags would be:
1. Excessive ego-boosts to your masculinity – she only validates herself with that on what a great man she has chosen who is nothing like her other exes. I also would be suspicious about comments like “I’ve never…” or “You’re the first man that…” it can be pleasant to hear but it’s really manipulative and most likely been said to dozens of exes.
2. Daddy-issues – she’s looking for a father figure since her daddy failed her. This goes along with need for male attention, need to control men, hatred towards other females, a series of dating much older men at a young age.
3. Sexting, sending nudes, overrushed sexual intimacy without getting to know each other properly first.
Do you think that a lot of promiscuous women have a mental illness?
I don’t think promiscuity is a direct sign of mental illness, so no in that regard. But many mentally ill people are very promiscuous.
Really just depends on how you look at it.
Agreed
I would say yes they have mental illness because they have no self respect other people don’t respect them too
Dudeee I just post something can you see it??
Hey JN, I saw it. Need to look at it more before approving.
Drew….you sound like a man that has serial relationships because you do not wanna commit …which is one way to use lots of women and act like you are the victim when you are really a user of women and i bet you’ve been thru many and helped create many of the women you warn others off of…well quit using them….can you all do that? You aren’t entitled to use women that don’t meet your potentially impossible standard…and if you are not yet dedicated to a woman for life ….then you are are a walking red flag with no record for fidelity to brandish.
Hi Lace,
You’ve made a lot of wrong assumptions about me here, but thanks for your comment!
All I have to say is wow… This article is great a bite hard to digest becouse it makes you personally change but in reality it’s for the better. Not just about your partner in relationships but your relationship to shelf. I did not notice that my shelf worth was low ever since my child hood and I think it has a lot to do with my up bringing but i have slowly realized I have been making bad choices almost thought-out my life in general. This country has really gone bad. We glorified the celebrity and we are accepting gay rights I mean good values are really limited to the ones who really wanna change. We as man are under attack. Not by woman but the world in it shelf. Try to be good to your self and this list of thing is great to learn to value yourself and to treat people how you want to be treated. Thank you for this post 🙏
You know I would not want a man who went by this list.
Reasons is it shows he wants what he wants. I’ve known several educated women who work and have male friends . Platonic
Get over it.
Get over a women who makes her own decisions .
She wants to fly to another city for the hell of it. Pays for it and enjoys herself.
This list is very old fashioned
All I have to say is wow… This article is great a bite hard to digest becouse it makes you personally change but in reality it’s for the better. Not just about your partner in relationships but your relationship to shelf. I did not notice that my shelf worth was low ever since my child hood and I think it has a lot to do with my up bringing but i have slowly realized I have been making bad choices almost thought-out my life in general. This country has really gone bad. We glorified the celebrity and we are accepting gay rights I mean good values are really limited to the ones who really wanna change. We as man are under attack. Not by woman but the world in it shelf. Try to be good to your self and this list of thing is great to learn to value yourself and to treat people how you want to be treated. Thank you for this post 🙏
Great article Drew.
All young men should be sent a copy.
Young teenage boys should study this at school. And be tested on it.
There seem to be very few moral women or men around.
So the moral ones get taken for a ride (either sex)
There needs to be a guide like this for women too.
Yep. I wish someone sat me down and taught me all this growing up.
And yeah, I’ve been looking to do more for the opposite sex as well. Should see something in the near future.
This is so right
Very well written.
Should definitely be taught in schools.
These relationships are on the rise and these women are only in it to curb their pain. Which is sad, but doesn’t mean you should try to fix it.
Definitely agree with younger women dating older men (10 years+) should be a big red flag. They’re trying to fulfil a hole that failed father left and NOTHING you ever do will be right or good enough.
To add to the list:
If she talks about her sexual conquests with her ex’s, has body alterations (fake boobs, fake lips) etc, always watches porn, always checking out other guys she is a seductress and to be avoided at all costs.
These women will even tell you who they are “I’m incapable of real love” – but you avoid it because you think you’re special and you’re the only one she slept with on her first date. Yea right.
Pay attention young men.
I appreciate it.
And yeah, it’s funny how most people will give themselves away if you just listen.
Thanks again, and take care.
[Comment edited]
…I had been married for 40 years,and every thing has changed for the worst. We have to be liveing in the last days,because people have lost thier own soul to the devil. What ever happened to fallening in love and getting married,and starting a home and haveing kids? I talked to some friends of mine,and they said that they had run into the same thing,and one of the old girl friends saidthat she heard that marriage is dropping off to like only 28 per cent,but in another 10 years,there won’t be any more marriage,that it will only be hook up’s. I guess what that means is,when every you get mad at your friend over something,then you can just pack a bag,and leave. This [stuff] makes me wonder why […] did I risk my life in viet nam,for a bunch of worthless [people]? I feel so sorry for all those vets that died over there for nothing.
I’m 17 and i also ask myself the same questions. The world is changing and not in a good way. Promiscuity is seen as a bad thing now especially by feminist women who think that if you tell them to behave and dress normally then your sexist and your expressing toxic masculinity. Hard to find a girlfriend these days.
Hi moose, and thank you for your service as most at my friends are foreign Marines I can’t have an idea of how disturb you feel since I never been in war. One of my best friends when to do his service had a kid already n one on the way with his ex girlfriend when he came back she’s was already with someone else big time stab on the back but that didn’t stop him for taking care of his kids n go on. Now n short words his kids love him more than that Mom. But my point is that I totally agree with you about the woman that date men older 10y+ but at the end what they accomplish, regardless of that they paid later with their real happiness n are their own slave. But think it this way veteran like yourself made and encourage it that new generation of young man to fight what believe inn. So don’t b mad I know most people are blind with gold but other people that are simple n honest are here because of people like yourself. An thank you for your service
Hey Moose… glad you made it back heme, Brother….
BTW, married over 40 years here although she apparently doesn’t take that as seriously as I..
No saving it, I’ve given up and probably shouldn’t consider it from my POV..
You never know…
Hi Drew. I’m not completely sure what led me to this post, and I am hesitant as I write this, given your self-professed judgment of promiscuous women.
I wanted to ask what you define as ‘promiscuous,’ in terms of a number of intimate partners? Is it only acceptable for a woman to have fewer partners than the man she is in a relationship with? And if so, what number would define a man as ‘promiscuous’?
Also, I must add that none of these points you have listed apply to me. Not a single one, not even about being ‘crafty’. You see, I was raised in a Southern Baptist home and was taught to save myself for marriage, which I did. I entered a relationship at 18 and it ended 15 years later, after substantial emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse, with occasional physical abuse sprinkled in here and there. Once it ended, I really didn’t know what to do. I had been isolated from everyone else, even from going to church. I thought I had no libido at all, because all of that was shoved down in the name of self-preservation. It was easier, in the last several years of that marriage, to not feel anything at all. When I was finally free, all of the feelings, physical and emotional, came flooding back. I tried dating, which I had never actually done before, and it was so tricky. I actually believed men when they said they just wanted to watch a movie and cook me dinner. All of a sudden, I was someone who slept around. Raised in thr baptist church, I had always been taught to be humble and meek, never to stand up for myself or say ‘no’. So there have been several instances where I had sex with someone I was not actually into and did not want to have sex with. The experiences were not enjoyable, and led to me, once again, shutting down and shutting everyone out. I do feel I have learned a lot from these experiences, like code words men will use to try and get you in a setting where sex is likely, and know now to run in the opposite direction. I’ve learned the qualities that I actually value and would need in a man, once I decide to open myself up to that again. For now, I’m focused on healing and bettering myself. I don’t think anyone who knows me would ever guess that I have been going through this, like I said, my entire life, up until my marriage, I was extremely involved in church, and even for a few years afterward. Churches, as a whole, need to begin educating young women to not only stand up for their values, but to position themselves in a way that will prevent these things from happening, as well as what to do when they do happen.
I believe it’s extremely self-limiting, to you and any other man, to cut a woman out of your life because of the number of partners she has had. There are countless instances in the Bible of God using the most unlikely of us all for His purpose. I won’t insult your intelligence by regaling you with the story of the woman at the well. The truth is, if a woman has a history of promiscuity, but is now a woman of God, a man should trust in that and be the leader that she needs to shepherd her along in her relationship with Christ. None of us are perfect, and believing that we or our partners should be will only set relationships up for failure.
So, for myself, and all of the other women out there, who are subject to the scrutiny of the judgment of you and those like you, I would beg you who are without sin to cast the first stone.
I say this without a bit of animosity toward you, I just hope to broaden your view a bit, from the other side of things. We remain brother and sister in Christ.
Hi Hillary,
Sorry for the delayed follow-up, but you said a lot here, and I wanted time to give a thorough response.
First, I want to express my condolences for your experiences and thank you for sharing them. As someone who hasn’t had the easiest life myself, I know how tough it is to fight circumstances like that, and I applaud you for it.
To answer your question though, I don’t use a number to define what I’m speaking of. This is more about women who unrepentantly live that lifestyle and how they should be avoided within the context of a close relationship.
Sure, some of the advice may sound harsh, but many young men need to be told things like this to prevent life-altering mistakes in the future. And if you’re looking for biblical support for guidance like this, the book of Proverbs is full of similar warnings about these kind of women.
Please note that I said “unrepentant” though. This post isn’t really about people who genuinely deny that lifestyle like you do now.
That being said, we have to be mature enough to realize that past sins can lead to consequences even after we’ve moved away from them. The thief on the cross went to paradise with Jesus for example, but he was still crucified for his past crimes.
Our standing with God isn’t always reflected in our earthly circumstances. And sometimes, those circumstances don’t change, regardless of how much God has changed us.
By no means am I saying a sister in Christ who sinned before—like we all have—should be totally avoided. But her previous actions could adversely affect a potential husband. And it may not be wise for him to pursue a marriage relationship.
Christians are only commanded to marry other Christians, but the idea that a man should “step up” and marry any Christian woman with a concerning past isn’t biblical. And I would advise women to understand this too regarding men.
Good day drew.. u have no idea how U have made me feel.. I have lived the last 3 years living every word u have described in your article to the tee..thank u for the clarity u have given me.. I am 5 months away from this toxic energy.. I will also say the sadness in my heart is overwhelming at times for the person I have cared for as well.. the most overwhelming feeling is the safety of this person with the careless decisions she is constantly putting herself in.. I hope she is safe.. in her travels.. thank u for your true insight.. peace to u be safe .. CJ..
Thank you Carlos. I’m glad you found something here that relates to your situation.
Peace to you as well.
I do not think it is necessarily a number, and it is not only acceptable for the man to have had more partners than the woman. Drew was referring to a lifestyle of promiscuity, so the question then becomes how do you define a “promiscuous lifestyle?” I would say it is sleeping around without long term commitment. I think what you wanted to know is the maximum number of previous partners that would be acceptable to a man? For me that number would be very low; however, I agree people can change, and I’m sure there are men who are a lot more forgiving than me.
I am an Indonesian Catholic. Indonesia is a very religious country, and it always gets in the top three most religious country in the world. Also, I am proud to say that in my country most unmarried people are keeping their virginity until they are married, both women and men. Also, with great self-control, the divorce rate is 2,6% here.
I am a cathecist, so I also teach Christian faith in my community.
First, I have to say that you did well for keeping your virginity until your marriage. I greatly appreciate that. What I don’t appreciate is you had divorced your husband. In catholic church there is no divorce (Matthew 19:6), but okay it
already happened for your reasons.
In my country, no one would be promiscuous easily because of social condemnation, education and great self-control. We have different kind of education, for example if you educate your people that it is okay to hook up, we teach otherwise. Also before people are married, they would first get pre-marital counselings, usually done by religious communities (the religious communities depend on what religion you believe) and supported by government programs. Hence, people have happy and stable marriage here. Spouses would be interdependent with each others to build comfortable home, and raise their children to be great people in the future.
So, you see, actually in my country, we don’t tolerate people with promiscuous past, and society condemnation exists for better social control. With individualism and liberalism in the west, we Indonesians are not surprised by how hollow your marital culture is, that there are so many broken homes there.
Therefore this kind of article is needed to educate younger generations to live better, because it supports better social control.
If you read all of my messages, thank you, I hope you understand and be happy with your life.
If there is any man reading this now please dont fall for this woman’s lies. She knew exactly what she was doing but is here pretending to be some kind of victim to try to make people be okay with her immorality. She must really think we are stupid, talking about “All of a sudden, I was someone who slept around” as if it was some kind of accident and misunderstanding. Complete liar!! She knew exactly what she was doing and now that her behavior has been called out she is trying to pretend that she couldn’t do anything about it. How about close your legs. Nonsense.
Such wicked people are just masquerading as “christians” when they dont even know what they are talking about. She tries to guilt trip Drew by likening herself with the story of the woman at the well not knowing that her interpretation was an extremely clueless one, difference being that that woman was not whoring. The popular teaching that the woman at the well was sexually immoral is perpetuated by pastors who want to defend whores. The woman was legitimately married, not jumping from one man to another. And the fact that it was almost impossible for women to initiate divorce means that she was not divorcing her husbands. They either died or divorced her.
And besides that, the story also suffers from the problem of mistranslation. During those days, the term “husband” could refer to the god you worshipped. And that is exactly what they were talking about. That is why the very next sentence, after they talk about “husbands”, talks about Yeshua being a “prophet” and the rightful place of worship, because the woman believes Yeshua is accusing her of idolatry and wrongful place of worship.
See these women do not know anything about what they are talking about, and neither do they care. Because their main point is not about god. Their main point in quoting scripture is trying to manipulate you into accepting their disgusting immorality as okay.
Hey Judy,
You’re right that many women (and men) are guilty of misusing Scripture to defend sinful actions and play the victim. It’s especially annoying when the person doing so is clearly not repentant of those actions either.
In cases like these though, we should remember to show grace too—that’s what separates us as Christians from the rest of the world. Yes, sin is still sin, and there are no excuses for it, but if people are truly repentant, we have to forgive them while still holding firm to biblical teachings.
It’s tough to tell whether people are truly repentant through text, but we should at least address false doctrine with gentleness and respect before we accuse others of evil intent.
I’m sorry to have to say that
promiscuity or poor serial experience is completely unacceptable in a potential wife under any circumstances whatsoever.
I wrote “prior serial experience” but software edited that to what you see.
Hello,
I realize that this woman has been through”H”.. HOWEVER, “manipulating and maneuvering” men to make commitments especially “lifetime” ones to people that they more than likely wouldn’t is “disingenuous” at best. No one is (or should be) “denigrating” this woman for her past but when it comes to commitment men rarely compromise. Women sure as “H” don’t then why should men? And when one wants to “lay blame” for certain actions one takes on other people they are NOT the only “culprits”! Attraction is NEVER a “choice” it’s a REFLEX and there’ NO GETTING AROUND IT.
Dear Hillary,
I am sorry to hear that life has not been kind to you. I would like to point out however, that your promiscuity was a choice, and I don’t not 100% believe that you did not know that sex would be likely, when having dinner on secluded private property. I don’t believe that judgement is wrong, judgements must be made in order to navigate life; what I do not believe in is cruel condemnation.
The reason I don’t want a promiscuous woman, firstly is disease, secondly is embarrasment and paternity certainty, thirdly is that in a committed relationship I like to treat my woman as special, and I do have any particular feeling towards a woman that has given herself to many men, easily and for less concern and care than I am giving to her. You might find these reasons unpalatable, but it is how I am, and how many men feel
Thank you for sharing your anecdote to with us, and since you are religious woman I will say you are doing God’s work with your guidance of younger females away from the pitfalls you fell into. I wish you peace, and hope that you understand why (some) men have such negative feelings towards promiscuity.
Best regards,
James
This is a really excellent article that is really eloquently written. As someone that has recently let God more into their life I just have to point out that the tone of its rigidity is a bit abrasive. Maybe it’s just because I am a woman with somewhat of a promiscuous past, but feel like that’s exactly what it is — my past. I have gone through a huge transformation spiritually and I don’t even feel like that is a part of who I am anymore because I dug deep and did a lot of healing and trauma understanding. I think it’s important to note that not everyone with a past is worth putting into a category and ignoring. That is the kind of thing that makes people lose hope and continue to fall back into old patterns. It goes for both and men and women to, sometimes a connection and love for someone inspires change in you and the relationship is a very valuable investment for the rest of your lives. It’s worth noting that most people don’t have a perfect track record and forgiveness and understanding of your own flaws is really important.
You are very right, but today the risk is high. You lose half your stuff and your kids, and yes, anyone could do this regardless of their past, but the past does influence the future in most cases, and a man who dismisses the past pays the price. it’s a risk that not all can or should take
You’re right. However, when we’re talking about dating, marriage, and things of that nature, it’s different then something such as opportunities for employment, access to resources necessary to live and the like. With finding a mate, no one is entitled to a person.
What a lot of promiscuous women don’t get is that when they level those talking points they’re actually showing that they appear to not have changed. To imply or outright say that men are obligated to take on a wife or date a woman who’s promiscuous or has been, that indicates selfishness and an attitude of entitlement.
People have a right to have standards and choose who they want to be with. If I don’t want to be with a woman who has a history or is currently very sparing with her body then that’s my right. Issues such as selflessness vs selfishness, std’s, a woman lying about her history in order that I make a decision beneficial to her, and so on are deep concerns.
Also, many men don’t want to be with a woman who’s going to compare and contrast him with the plethora of other men they slept with throughout the years. For example, what if a disagreement ensues and the woman says,”Your not half the man that (insert name(s) here) was/were. You could never truly please me and I just felt sorry for you…” Or she may fall in to old habits and go out and sleep with several men later that night. Who knows. Many men don’t want the possibility of that and it’s more likely with women that have that history.
That’s the thing about decisions and life that the devil leaves out when enticing people. The devil doesn’t tell you that consequences can come in many ways. In this case, if we understand that people have a right to say yes or no to a suitor, then there’s the possibility that, in this case, many men may say no to a woman who’s promiscuous or has been. That’s a sad reality but it’s the truth.
This is where many of the taking points, cajoling, and so on come from mainly from women who fit this bill. It’s a way to get what they want.
What happens if you ended up marrying one? She smoked meth with other men… [and was unfaithful] … with them for decades. I didn’t know until after I married her. She beats up on me when she doesn’t get her way and I have no say so in this relationship. She’s psycho and goes into one relationship after the other. I’m the only one that married her.
[admin edit]
All I can say is that you pointed out almost every trait that one could fine when encountering girls like that. Me and my ex girlfriend dated for one year (2018) and then I saw many red flags and terminated our relationship. Five months later (April 2019) she contacted me and we started to reignite our “love”. She seemed not to care to much when I confronted her because in those five months of no contact she started dating a “friend” that I introduced her months ago, saying that it was meaningless and that her publications in facebook about she and him “initiating a relationship” were not real because “Facebook is not real life”, according to her words. We got serious and I suggested her to live together and she was flattered and very happy about that, She always wanted me to take that decision, but I I could not do this before because of the red flags I noticed. Our adventure living together lasted one month and a half. She changed after one week and I´m still looking for the cause of our downfall. She started disappearing on weekends, she wanted to stay only in her mother´s house, when she went out with her girlfriends I could never reach her via cellphone, and then I started to lost my trust on her. It was her that after a few weeks wanted to leave the relationship. I can´t understand that behaviour from loving me above everything else to got me blocked on social media, whatsapp and even cellphone calls. Her last word were, “I love you, but I´m confused, I want to be in a place that no one knows me and meet new people and… and… I don´t want to live anymore”. WTF happened? Maybe I don´t want to know the cause anymore and perhaps I have to thank her for leaving me. It was a month and a half inferno with the girl that supposedly loved me that much and I was the perfect man for her. I´m still angry! (My native tongue is Spanish, so sorry for the spelling and some grammar mistakes.) Thanx Drew for your eye opening article.
Thank you for reading.
Sounds like the girl you were with had some extreme mood swings, so having that end should be a good thing in the long run. Don’t worry about the “what ifs” because it probably wasn’t real from the start.
Thanks again, and keep your head up!
“She started disappearing on weekends, she wanted to stay only in her mother´s house, when she went out with her girlfriends I could never reach her via cellphone, and then I started to lost my trust on her. It was her that after a few weeks wanted to leave the relationship. I can´t understand that behaviour from loving me above everything else to got me blocked on social media, whatsapp and even cellphone calls. Her last word were, “I love you, but I´m confused, I want to be in a place that no one knows me and meet new people and… and… I don´t want to live anymore”. WTF happened? ”
Dude, she was cheating on you with that “friend” and probably with some randoms on her “girls night out”, and now she wants to sleep around with more randoms that don’t know who she is. You can be 100% sure of that.
You dodged a bullet man.
By the way, I´m starting to think she had Borderline Personality Disorder, combined with sexual promiscuity and daddy issues (she never knew who his father was). Bye
Great article Drew. I’m a recovering addict and I’ve made a few bad choices with partners and it really just compounded onto everything.
I feel your article makes a lot of good points that sometimes are easy to ignore when star struck by a woman.
Nevertheless, as you stated, why waste time with someone who has no intention to build finding meaningful.
A lot of deception and misconceptions going around but good information and communication can help those struggling to find a pure relation in life.
Very well written my friend.
Let’s bring back family values, and honor virtuous living.
Thanks for reading Shawn. I wish you well on the recovery.
Have you ever thought about what you might be missing? Stability through control is an illusion. Freedom is the only real thing you can offer someone.
Love, real love, is the combination of unconditional acceptance with unconditional freedom, because people change and grow whether want them to or not.
And humans ARE intrinsically wired to treat each other well. It’s the fear of pain that causes us to harm others.
Always looking to improve. But no, I respectfully disagree with your opinion.
Totally agree with this, the article seems to be written from a place of fear not love. Trust it’s also important and this person clearly has been in some not so nice relationships and it shows in the fear that’s coming through. You cannot know true love without first experiencing what it is not
Sometimes healthy fear is the most loving thing you can give someone. Numerous people have expressed thanks because of it.
It seems these types of women are unavoidable nowadays. Its one thing to know the traits, but what is left? We cant find those because they are too far and few. Nothing but shameless women of all shapes, sizes, and levels of attractiveness. Its almost impossible to find anything now that doesnt cater to women. It was way too hard to find this article. All the search results gave me “why its hypocritical to slut shame”, ” embrace your inner slut”, “slut shaming is a thing of the past”. Thanks for this
No problem. I’d argue that it’s not just women though.
There’s been a decline in morality overall—and that’s what’s more troubling.
Try meeting a Christian women. I’m not saying are all perfect by any stretch, but there are many who have good morals and are seeking the same.
I’m a Christian myself, so that is a goal of mine. Problem is, there are many “Christians”—both male and female—who aren’t what they claim to be.
Better to “recognize them by their fruits” instead of looking for labels.
By their fruits shall you know them.
I figured you were a Christian after reading some of the examples given under the descriptions in this article! Great content!!!
Tough to hide isn’t it? Thanks for reading, Sam.
Facts
There are too many carnal Christian women masquerading as good Christian women..
I’m tired of running into them.
Wow
Exvellent article. I still have not found a girlfriend. So I do not have much experience with girls. Your article has great tips to screen out the bad ones.
Thanks for reading. It’s good to know stuff like this before experience teaches you.
Hello Drew,
I have been performing my own research on female promiscuity while being single and trying to find a truly good girl. After reading so many articles on this topic, yours is the very first one I am responding to as I find it simply the most complete one so far.
In an attempt to contribute to this article, please find my theory on today’s female promiscuity today:
There’s been a cultural phenomenon still appearing undiscovered or perhaps discovered but greatly ignored: and I describe it as Promiscuous Music . Ever since rap became the most commercial form of popular music, there has been a violation of social values via sexual revolution in lyrics.
That revolution has already gone too far and having sex for fun is a common message sent out. This ultimately gets noticed by many girls who might not even like that type of music but they find those tunes “amazing” because the tunes are encouraging them to try what they might never otherwise. If a young girl gets trapped in that type of music, she might permanently damage her life by following the “go-out-and-just-get-laid” lyrics.
This is a terrible moment because music should be teaching young people to believe in love.
I could state much more but just wish to add the following point of alert to your list:
If a girl likes to listen to explicit lyrics , it is a warning sign. She might be already living that world of preparing for her first journey (to nowhere, actually).
If she focuses on that type of music between some Friday afternoon and Saturday evening, brothers, that ios a tornado warning.
All the best and Good Luck to all the good dudes searching for the girls who are truly good. They do exist and certainly don’t listen to the songs promoting slut-isfaction 🙂
Cheers,
Miles
Culture’s influence is definitely a part of it.
Thanks for the kind words and for sharing your thoughts.
I totally agree with you and I see how rap songs like the one from Cardi B and Megan the stallion where they talk about their [body parts]. It’s the role model that girls my age have.
I’m 17 and i see how girls in my class act these days.
There are also more and more of these tik tok chalenges where women (usually girls around 19 and many teens my age) show their [bodies] without bras and wear tight leggings without underwear. I would be a hypocrite to say that I am not physically attracted seeing these girls but I could never date or marry such a women. They are basically like pornstars only my age. It is sad that more and more women are acting like prostitutes. I feel that 90% of women especially for my generation are sluts and these women don’t see a problem with it because they see themselves as powerful indépendant women that express themselves. In reality they are not respecting themselves by showing themselves almost naked. It is very stupid how society is changing but I dont even dare to say something in class cause otherwise I would be labeled as sexist. I really would like to be married to a nice woman one day but its very hard to find one SMH 🤦♂️
WAP is probably the most radioactive song to date regarding this topic.
You are a Christian; so here goes . . .
God created the family concept as the cornerstone of His Church & Kingdom on earth . . . the children of a “healthy family” stand a much better chance at procreating and producing the next generation of healthy families AND healthy productive societies
Healthy families make disproportiately larger contributions to society. Economic growth, pay more taxes, moral stability, love, joy & peace in the Holy Spirit . . . . the internet is FULL of evidence that children from broken families suffer terribly & generally under achieve. (welfare families)
satan wants to destroy this corner stone of a healthy society. Promiscous females’ PEA & Oxytocin brain chemicals are DEPLETED after 3 or 4 sexual unions, and they are then physically INCAPABLE to deeply bond with their future husbands.
Their biological clock kicks in, in their late twenties & all of a sudden they notice that their current crop of male partners are not going to aspire to be anything good . . . let alone be good fathers & providers.
They then “change their ways” and become “conservative” in the hope of snarring a “nice guy”, good provider & good father . . .. the VERY LAST requisite on their list is a sexually desirable husband . . . been there; done that; YAWN
They then LIE about their Sexual Past, because they wan’t to be loved for the “Changed Person who they are NOW” The demon possessed internet marriage counsellers (with the morals of an alley cat) all advise them that “what is in the past, is in the past” . . . and that they “have changed” . . . and that is OK to enter into Holy Matrimony on the basis of a LIE . . . (satan is the father of all lies)
Good guy gets “conned” into marriage, desiring his wife sexually and wanting to enjoy the sexual benefits of married life. Feminism, which is a synonym for satanism, has taught famales that they owe men nothing . . . but that he MUST 1) make her happy 2) provide for her 3) work himself into a stupor 4) Make all her unrealistic Hollywood Fantasies come true and, to providde for her every whim . . . BUT HOW DARE HE insist on having sex?! Outrageous !!
When wife does throw ” the odd obligation/pity sex in his way . . . she is bored out of her mind with his performance in bed . . .. because EVERY SINGLE PREVIOUS LOVER outperforms her pathetic husband (who she was NEVER sexually attracted to) . . . . How she longs for Pete: “who could go at it all night” John: “who could give her multiple orgasms” / Dick: “who was better endowed” / Paul: “who was much more experience” . . . Andres: “who gave her WILD SEX . . . a preference that Hubby is totally unawares of” (because she KNOWS that her marriage is over, when Hubby realizes the extent of her deception) . . . . Hubby’s sexual desires & needs?? . . . please gimme a break! . . . YAWN
Some wife’s start affairs, because of the Dead Bedroom Husband . . .. “my husband cannot meet my sexual needs . . . I FELT the need to FEEL ALIVE AGAIN . . . affair is guaranteed to give her the endomorph rush that she craved during her promiscuous years
And there you have it . . . the emasculated husband caught in a sexless marrige . . . i.e satan’s plan for marriages. . . . inevitably satan bides his time for an opportunity to expose her lies at the time in her marriage, when the revealed truth of her past will have cataclysmic consequences for her & the children . . .
Husband realizes his ENTIRE MARRIAGE was a big scam . . . by this time he is sexually frustrated and very resentfull of his frigid wife . . . the knowledge & MENTAL IMAGES that his wife had threesomes at college – One Night Stands with random guys, is psychologically to much for him to bear . . . and he starts to cheat / or divorce his wife
Meanwhile his remorsefull wife is pleading not to leave him, because of something that she did “Many Years Ago” . .. yeah right; she LIED her entire marriage & sex starved and emasculated her husband, her entire marriage.
I thank God every day for my amazing wife of 30 years, who I adore and treat like a queen . . . she is everything to me . . . and a God fearing christian
My wife doesn’t need Feminism (satanism) to empower her . . I treat her better that an equal . . . because she makes me feel good (like a MAN) . . . she has put in a lot of effort in educating herself how NOT to emasculate her husband. . . . and I reciprocated by studing what my wife’s full basket of needs are.
My wife’s friends are green with jealousy because she makes me eat out of her hand . . . and they struggle to get a single kind word from their husbands
Do not dilute with God’s truths! They are the wellspring of life
Interesting takes. But yeah, a certain someone loves to watch us self-destruct. Many people don’t realize the damage they’ve done until it’s too late.
I loved the article, I loved this comment, and I thank you both for your contributions. Drew, thank you for the willingness to write this article and the knowledge it arms young men with- especially coming from a christian worldview. Carel, I can attest to what you’re saying pretty much word for word. I appreciate and agree with your comment and wish more people could see it.
No problem, Marvin. Thank you for reading.
Keep well & God bless
I married an amazing woman
Ask God to help you with your quest the find a compatible wife. He won’t disappoint you
Thanks Carel. God bless
It is 2021 and these disgusting actions are more prevailant more than ever now.
I want to enjoy an holy marriage but how does God expect us to deal with these harlots now??
There are few good Christian women who hasn’t been completely ran through yet!
Lots of good points here. Thanks for this website. I’m an older bachelor and have been troubled by the fact that very few single women are truly single, anymore. I’ve been out with “single” ladies who were currently cohabitating with what they call simply “boyfriends”. What were they expecting? An affair? An ego boost. Escape from boredom? A monkey branch?
Since I’m fairly well off, activity oriented and without baggage…I run into quite a few young, but totally directionless ladies who are pretty much promiscuous. It’s a no-go for me as I’m not playing sugar daddy to a party girl. It’s a sign of the nihilistic times and I kinda feel sorry for moral millennials.
My best date ever was simply making cookies with a young lady at her house one evening. No drinking. No “romping” or any real affection. Just a boy/girl getting to know each other in a restrained approach.
Yeah, “single” doesn’t exactly mean what you’d think these days.
The making cookies date sounds wonderful though, and I think it’ll stick with me. Thanks for that one.
This article was a sigh of relief for me.
I have not found one person I can talk to openly about this without them mitigating the issue somehow.
I believe in romanticism and my ideals have been beaten down relentlessly over time. The women I have dated have all ended up cheating or been extensively promiscuous and evasive of responsibility and it all comes with liberalism and everything-is-subjective philosophy. If your values threaten their convenience, they deconstruct the idea that they are indeed values, even flaws by using the “judgemental” excuse and “religious conditioning”.
Are there any online communities that talk about this? I can’t imagine there would be many because it could be lumped in with “misogyny” and “controlling women” but really it’s about holding each other to higher standards and making relationships more meaningful through conscious choice and moderation.
Then that voice in my head says “all relationships are meaningful” as I have heard from others before.
But to love indiscriminately is to love no one. This is an idea I have taken from Ayn Rand.
Reading about the sanctity and purity moral foundations also helped my understanding, as well as the 6 different views of sex people have. Women to avoid hold the “casual” and “expressive” views. These people are not built for relationships and their naivety often lands them in abusive relationships in my experience (which they then use to vilify a man who attempts to pick up the pieces). Romantics and Covenantals are the ones with the right values, but they are virtually unicorns.
Normalizing digital sex through snapchat, immortalizing sexual contact through nudes or instant gratification sex through tinder also affects the notion of meaningful relationships and sexual exclusivity as well.
I plan to go through more romantic literature and study shame and sexual anomie in order to try to be educated enough to try resurrect romanticism and justify my own position. I have briefly tried, but I cannot live the casual lifestyle.
I hope to read more from you about this topic!
Thanks for the kind words!
I think your comment just shows how important screening is. You don’t want to get invested with someone who clearly lives a lifestyle you don’t accept.
There are plenty of communities that talk about this stuff though, some of which go too far into the dark and are rightly labeled as hateful places.
I won’t list any here as some readers might view that as an endorsement, but I always try to approach topics like this with a balanced and somewhat hopeful perspective.
No Problem!
I agree with you. There are places that touch on the issue but then delve into darker ideas. I’ve been to many places trying to start a dialogue but it either has a hurried feel to the conversation or I get downvoted or condescended to hell.
I am personally not hateful and I have to be well aware of my own mind to keep on top of it, but this is one of the things I feel most strongly about in my life.
I still have hope for a more romantic view on relationships cultivating virtues and people better able to develop and understand their values. Focusing on the negative side of the situation too long is not healthy.
That’s partly why I found this article refreshing; from the balanced view and the self-awareness of judgement.
I’ve met more than a few women who meet this description. When I was younger I got burned a few times. I almost got sucked in again recently, but this time I got wise and walked away. (Proverbs 22:3) I’d like to add also to beware of women who are hoarders, who live in filth, go days without showering, can’t hold down a job, are alcoholic, take medication for depression, and swear around kids. This girl was physically attractive, but a total wreck. She told me she loved me repeatedly, but that was the alcohol speaking for sure. Pretty sad. She’s a Christian too so she ought to know better. I tried being a friend to her and helping her, but I can only do so much, you can’t really help someone if they don’t help themselves. So I ran as fast as I could in the other direction. It’s done wonders for my peace of mind.
Yeah, that sounds like a lot of trouble. Self-control and self-respect go a long way.
Hope things go better for you the next time around.
From a female perspective, I can only disagree with one point.. #2 She has too many male friends. This was me prior to marriage. After marriage, you can’t really maintain male friendships only couples friendships if you want to be true to your spouse.
You don’t want to date a girl who needs male attention all the time, but that usually involves subtle/obvious flirting within the group. Some girls like me (and one of my daughters) never dated my mostly male friends, I just related better to them because I am more analytical and logical and less emotional. Was a broadcasting major with mostly men in my classes (daughter is Biochem major with mostly men) and we both just gravitate to male conversation better. Both dislike female drama and more emotional conversations/arguments.
Virgin when married, celebrating 25 years so far. Daughter is virgin and waiting for a man of good character who is alpha enough to take the lead and pursue her. She doesn’t want to do the chasing. She had one 3-year relationship (no sex, still virgin) and been asked out several times since, but most don’t have good work ethic, massive profanity, or appear to be players (she’s waiting for marriage). She’s still waiting for the one. I’m sure being surrounded by only male friends doesn’t help, but her no drama personality, major, and sport (Div1 fencing) tends to be more male. What can you do?
We are convinced the feminist movement makes it hard to find the confident alpha guys out there. Most guys don’t pursue, the girl flirts/chases them. She’s still looking….
First off, congrats on your marriage and the milestone. 25 years is no small feat.
As for your point, there definitely are girls who relate more to guys and don’t seek anything beyond platonic relationships with them. But from my experience, this is the exception, not the norm.
Most girls and people in general don’t possess the maturity that you and your daughter seem to have. Many have a need to be validated by the opposite sex and this generally leads to more intimate relationships with them.
Again, all of these red flags express general rules. There are exceptions to each of them, but it’s best to know how things usually happen.
God created Holy Matrimony
Pray with your daughter for a husband of His choice
I did that; and I am very much in love with my wife of 30 years . . . hand picked by God
I was so naïve 11 years ago that I couldn’t identify these women & always defaulted that it us men who were evil.
I packed up my life in Australia and moved to America because I thought I’d met ‘the one’.
I was 41 then & she 29. I was prepared for the bumps, the many & unforeseeable bumps.
But in hindsight I can see that she was not at all prepared. I was simply her next ‘savior’.
She was married, unhappily, as she told me & in the process of a divorce. She had grown separate from her husband, and explained how she’d made a mistake & rushing into marriage with him.
She had lost close to 100lbs in the couple years before I met her & just had her breast implants augmented literally weeks before I met her, when I was here on a business trip.
I trusted her & I believed her, I was even empathetic to her plight.
I flew her to Australia to spend together for my birthday & to get to know her better.
Now I didn’t realize at the time but she needed so much attention & constant flattery & maintenance it was almost too much.
But she was very into me, over the top complimentary & made me feel like I’d never felt before, I was blown away, I didn’t recognize what was happening.
She returned to the US after 2 weeks & eventually after a month we had decided that if this was to work one of us had to move.
She was employed with tenure & I wasn’t enjoying my job. So being adventurous & having travelled the world over many times, it was a natural decision for me.
A month later I was stateside & she made me feel so special, I didn’t know whether this was real or not.
I immediately fell violently ill without any health insurance & was recovering from prescription opioid withdrawal after a month of landing.
Found a job & was headed back to Australia after 2 months in the US to attend my best friend’s wedding.
Upon landing home, the US job fell through & I needed to take stock of this situation.
We stayed in touch, she became anxious that I hadn’t booked a flight back to the US and after about 6 weeks she surprises me by coming to Australia.
Almost demanded that I return, which I did & landed a job. Got a working VISA and started living life in America with ‘the one’.
There were signs, many signs which I should’ve paid better attention too, including being the victim of domestic violence at the end of our first year living together.
She called the police pretending to be a victim but was eventually arrested & jailed.
Of course I bailed her out. I had no idea of the process here but at 5 am in the morning I organized the bail bond.
I was so disappointed & confused & angry, that I had to let that be known in a small but affirmative way, so I had her catch a taxi back to the house.
Looking back I should’ve caught the next flight home.
But I had made a commitment to her, to my employer, I was heavily invested & it didn’t feel right to abandon all of which I had committed too.
I was working to rebuild & re-establish a life, so I made excuses & exceptions & reasoned things to the challenging situation neither of us had any experience with, so I needed to be patient.
We’re humans, that makes us imperfect by design, so I forgave & we carried on.
It then started becoming clear to me that she would always put her family ahead of me/us.
Everything we did revolved around her family’s agenda. For example, she & her sisters would make plans for a vacation & once they agreed, only then was it socialized with me.
This placed me in a very compromising position because even though I fundamentally disagreed with the process, I was now in a position where if I protested I was the bad guy.
I was then kneaded into paying for expensive hotel upgrades & all manner of expenses so she could feel a sense of worth, of being more valued by her partner than her older sisters by comparison.
Nobody ever approached me or hinted at what may be beyond my awareness, and I thought I was making her happy in this way.
I felt so manipulated & this happened many times a year. And I was amazed that the other husbands had no issues with any of this. They happily went along with whatever they were told & that’s how it was.
So I began to feel isolated & began second guessing myself, wondering that perhaps I was the unreasonable one, so I went along even though it never felt natural to me & I was always forcing myself.
She had a fear of missing out if she was not part of this codependent arrangement & was also made to feel some kind of way by her sisters if she even suggested not joining them.
I did what I could to keep her feeling secure even though I was working toward my own sense of security in all of this.
She required a lot of attention, it was a little foreign to me, I’d never experienced a woman so insecure before.
I was her everything in a not so healthy way, her disposition was dependent upon me & that was unnerving for me.
But I’m a product of a traditional family, understanding, generous, forgiving, well adjusted.
She was the youngest in a messed up family, with a verbally & physically abusive father who stepped out on her mother & didn’t pay his youngest daughter any attention until he eventually died before my later to be wife was even a teenager.
Anyway, I didn’t read too much into this, I’m child of Jesus so I don’t judge.
We got married, she fell pregnant, and then all but forced me & so (I) bought a house in a great neighborhood, I gave her free license on design & decoration.
We furnished it with the furniture she brought with her from her first marriage.
Whatever we didn’t have I paid for everything, washer, dryer, fridge, dining table, and quality expensive stuff, even though she was working & earning more than I was.
I was completely invested in this American dream, emotionally, financially & everything in between.
Had a boy. It seemed that she struggled somewhat at motherhood, and was all care & no responsibility. I didn’t have any family here & my reference was an ocean away.
I just rode the bumps, worked, loved my son, loved my wife, bought her an SUV because her back was suffering with a baby and a sedan.
She seemed a little more focused on us now but still codependent.
Our son gave us hope.
Shortly after the birth of our 2nd son after returning to work she was found to have ‘misused’ the corporate credit card through an audit to the tune of many, many thousands.
I was so bitterly disappointed when she told me, I felt so betrayed that I knew nothing of this & the consequences were serious.
I paid the debt because she was a much better spender than saver & I didn’t want her with a felony conviction that would damage her employability & ultimately change the opportunities available to our boys.
But I lost trust in her as a result because it was the first crystal clear marker that confirmed what I had been in denial about for years.
And I was not pleased & then her true colors appeared.
She got a better job, more money, high visibility, assisting an exec, corporate jet, all the trimmings.
Spent thousands on hair extensions, started drinking between 1 & 2 bottles of expensive wine per night and begrudged me for not being supportive of her when she was caught ‘stealing’ corporate funds at her last job. It was obvious that she resented me for it.
She started going out & coming home drunk in the early hours, going away for weekends, sleeping on the couch, started threatening divorce, our relationship had become a war zone, we were verbally abusive towards each other, she started physically assaulting me again, she calculated her maneuvers & snared me repeatedly, I felt trapped & she was looking for ways to hurt me.
All the while socializing with everyone & anyone what an @hole I was & that she was a victim of abuse. I lost my sense of self. I didn’t know where to turn. I was isolated & had no witnesses to my life here.
Eventually we got counselling & after 5 months we were told she has BPD. Well she didn’t accept that, at all. She cancelled our amazing marriage counsellor who was a ray of hope for me & helped me understand so much. Gave me tools & books & I was again hopeful.
But my wife being in denial proceeded to manufacture a scene which she assaulted me again. Again, she called the police playing victim which again ultimately landed her in jail.
I was now alone with my 2 young sons, 6 and 3 y.o. at the time and I was terrified & never felt so alone & so scared in my entire life.
The very next day, she was texting me & sending her family members over to try & convince me to hand them over the children because it was allegedly in our children’s best interests.
I had 2 distraught & very confused you boys and was literally being harassed to hand over custody of them. I refused & repeatedly told them to leave us alone.
I received divorce summons a couple weeks later.
A couple weeks after that she had a new boyfriend.
She admitted to having been unfaithful for at least the 6 months prior to counselling & then also during our counselling.
Told me her new boyfriend treated her like a princess & valued her & understood her.
And she laid this out to me with very little to no remorse as I literally crumbled before her realizing what an absolute fool I had been sacrificing everything at 41 to come be with her.
She brought me to my knees & comprehensively crushed my heart, soul & spirit in one fell swoop.
I was shattered beyond anything I’d ever imagined & I was told that it was all my fault, because I didn’t give her what she needed & she deserved happiness.
I even tried reconciling with her afterwards because my children were confused & I feared for their futures.
And during reconciliation she maintained contact with her ‘boyfriend’, ‘ex-boyfriend’, whatever, I don’t even know and also with the corporate jet pilot she’d had an affair with all whilst maintaining the justification that until she can trust me she was unwilling to sever ties with her ‘admirers’.
Of course I eventually caught her lying to me, I gained my strength back & I refused to accept her immorality, gaslighting or irresponsible behavior & abruptly stopped all communication except for brief exchanges regarding the kids. I finally realized she’s trapped in a time in the past when her father passed away. And has only grown to become exactly what she portrayed him to be.
My life will never be the same again.
I feel as though I was targeted.
Wish I had your wonderful insight as a reference 11 years ago. Keep up the great work.
This article has actually helped me find some understanding as I’m still trying to regain my senses.
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing.
As someone who’s been in a BPD relationship myself, I know how much it can mess with your head. The beginning feels great but it devolves into a horror story from there.
The worst part is that the lies, manipulation, and smear campaigns will most likely ruin your reputation among those who don’t have the illness too. So I’d say the best way to recover is to reach out to people who know the real you and embrace them.
I’m sorry you went through all that though. And yeah, I wish I would have known this stuff earlier too. But I hope you find peace in whatever you choose to do going forward.
Thanks again for reading and for sharing your story.
Dear Drew Shepherd
I find the part where you describe that women have friends that are alike to each other loosely untrue.This is not a valid argument toward staying away from these women. By telling these women to close themselves off you are closing the door to meeting a woman that actually may not have red flags that you are describing on here. Many women have different friend groups too. I have my pre/med friends and then I have my going out friend. What you describe in this article is semi true, I don’t disagree with most of these red flags. However you are telling these men to find Saint Mary here when everyone has issues no matter what gender.
Hey, thanks for your comment.
The point about her friends is more so about close friends, not mere acquaintances. And from mine and many other men’s experiences, that’s one of the most true points on the list.
Of course there are always exceptions to general rules, nobody is perfect, but if I had to remove each red flag that had an exception, I might as well delete the whole post.
I will have to respectfully disagree, he hit the nail on the head with that one. “You are known for the company you keep” and ” birds of a feather..” are very true sayings. I have found in my experience women for the most part will surround themselves with like minded women. So, if they have friends( not acquaintances) that behave in ways that you don’t agree with, at the very least she is ok with that behavior and chances are she is or will be that way too eventually. I just wish I would have found information like this years ago, it owuld have saved me some heartache to say the least.
Drew, I stumbled upon this website and thank you for your insight. Some comments here mirror my own experiences and even though I am older I am becoming more careful about what kind of women I allow in my life.
I had to look at myself and try to figure out why I ended up mostly with women who did not know their fathers and or had been sexually abused as children. I found that most would not divulge this info until they had their hooks deep into me. Learning that yes you can be attracted to someone but need to get to know them WELL before pursuing anything should be taught to the youth especially young men.
Thanks for reading, cdc. Glad you found it useful.
I wish I knew this stuff long before I was able to write it too, but it’s good to know now, and hopefully it prevents someone else from really messing up.
Thank you Drew….i just knew i wasnt crazy…you completely changed my life in 16 minutes and you are right….if you dont feel comfortable …the sleep pattern….constant alert…..again thank you my friend
No problem, Al. Glad I could help. And yeah, the gut check one is something serious.
There are far too many generalizations in this article. You cannot protect yourself really from anyone and this list you provided can outline a female who is in fact committed. On the other hand what may seem like a committed woman to you may be the one who is playing you in the end. Point is, you can never really tell. Allow people to be, accept and respect them as they are and in this case, you can let something real develop. Trying to look out for signs and control are all fear based and the complete opposite of what love is..In this capacity, I applaud M’s comments.
It generalizations but it’s good signs to look for. Got to weed out and filter your potential spouse. Also there are exceptions to the rule.
ACTUALLY ,these are no generalizations , they are specific and I have applied them intuitively when i met girls in the past ,and they are 100% true,,,,my REAL successfull relationships dont have ANY of the 15 point mentioned above!
I highly disagree with that. You can always tell a tree by its fruits. The problem, in this regard, is that some men don’t know any better due to social and cultural conditioning. Likewise, it’s also that some men lack sense (reference Proverbs 7). God’s very Word gives us detailed and clear descriptives of this type of woman (harlot, the strange woman, and so on). God, for example in Proverbs 5, gives a clear warning to men in avoiding promiscuous women.
Read here…
“ My son, pay attention to my wisdom; listen carefully to my wise counsel. Then you will show discernment, and your lips will express what you’ve learned. For the lips of an immoral woman are as sweet as honey, and her mouth is smoother than oil.
But in the end she is as bitter as poison, as dangerous as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. For she cares nothing about the path to life. She staggers down a crooked trail and doesn’t realize it. So now, my sons, listen to me.
Never stray from what I am about to say: Stay away from her! Don’t go near the door of her house! If you do, you will lose your honor and will lose to merciless people all you have achieved. Strangers will consume your wealth, and someone else will enjoy the fruit of your labor. In the end you will groan in anguish when disease consumes your body.
You will say, “How I hated discipline! If only I had not ignored all the warnings! Oh, why didn’t I listen to my teachers? Why didn’t I pay attention to my instructors? I have come to the brink of utter ruin, and now I must face public disgrace.”
Proverbs 5:1-14
If that’s not clear I don’t know what is. It even covers the consequence of STD’s being a risk.
At the end of the day, you’re actually proving, via your cajoling men to date promiscuous women and/or marrying them, why one shouldn’t marry such a woman. If she has to try and manipulate me into being with her then what does that say? In a marriage, real love isn’t boastful, proud, rude, conniving, cunning, etc. People have a right to choose who they want to be with. No one lines being tricked into a situation whether man or woman. God bless and peace.
Dear Drew,
I am deeply grateful for this insightful article. I need your assistance please in a much bigger paradox regarding the gut check; which is confused due to the following:
Age! What about this factor?
Isn’t a particular age necessary for someone to have these red flags, and on the same note, isn’t a particular age appropriate to think of someone as redeemable or redeemed?
Is it okay to give the benefit of the doubt based on age and on quitting at a certain age (she says she’s quit)?
She is exactly 26 right now, and according to your red flags… the below is where she stands…
1 yes
2 yes
3 NO
4 (in the past, yes! She says she quit at 22, and only drank for one and a half year before turning 22, but mostly vodka only.. and she quit when she saw someone getting raped due to alcohol outside a club)
5 NO
6 yes
7 (Clothes yes / but extremely sensitive to the male touch, extraordinarily so, which is good for me I think)
8 yes
9 NO
10 Unknown yet
11 (yes to horoscopes a bit)
12 NO (she has the business skills of a man almost)
13 NO
14 NO (she is very respectful to me)
15 very confused gut… One day I think all the bad, and the next I think of the Benefit of the Doubt.
With this first comment of 2020 I will look forward to your thoughts soon, and wish you a Happy New Year.
Thanks,
Paradox!
Hey Paradox, thanks for the comment.
First, I want to preface mine by saying that this list is meant to be used as an early vetting tool to see if you want to be involved with a partner at all. But from what I can tell from your comment and from your message, it seems you are seriously involved with her already, which makes things difficult.
Sure, there are a few points you mentioned like her still being a party girl and dressing provocatively that are concerning, but she also seems to treat you well and doesn’t show any signs of aggression towards you, which is great.
At this point, you pretty much know who she is and you‘ll need to make a decision if you want to commit or not.
Please don’t exclude her from the process though. If you are as close as it seems, talk to her about actions you find worrying and see how she responds. If she gets defensive and angry, that’s not good. But if she listens to you and respects where you’re coming from, then she’s shown that she’s willing to solve problems and help the relationship.
Again, you know who she is at this point though, and need to make a responsible decision. Do the good traits outweigh the bad? And is she willing to act in your interest to remove unnecessary temptation? That’s what you have to figure out.
Don’t be afraid to end something if it’s not what you really want. You both will need to give for each other if you get more serious, and if she’s not willing to do that now, she won’t later.
I agree on most points but do you really think all tattoos and the occasional swear word are a sign of bad things to come?
We’re bombarded from an early age with images of tattooed heroes and heroines and idealized tough ‘independent’ women. It’s been going on for so long now that today’s 30 year old women may have tattoos and swear occasionally, because their parents were already exposed to the same, To them it’s just normal. It is becoming impossible to judge a person’s character based on superficial observations IMO.
Besides, no person is immune to being just plain stupid and ignorant. Also, everyone engages in self destructive behaviour from time to time. An intelligent person is always capable of redeeming themselves whatever they’ve done in the past. Look around you. We’re all fckd up in so many ways. Granted, I may be biased as I’m in love with a girl with some IMO tasteful tattoos and she swears every now and then but I’ve never had a more pleasant conversation even with a ‘pure’ girl before. Too bad she’s not into me. Your points are valid, but they don’t mean anything by themselves and without context.
Show a slightly messed up girl love and respect and she may surprise you with the same. Maybe she’s just never met a guy capable of doing that. We’re not all that virtuous either. If you want to play it really safe, don’t fall in love. But then why even be alive.
Of course I don’t think that.
The purpose of this post isn’t to give you reasons to immediately cut things off. It’s meant to give a list of general signs that many promiscuous women have in common.
If the girl you’re with only shows one or two signs, that’s nothing to be concerned about. But if this whole list describes her to a tee, you have good reason to worry.
You can get in really bad trouble if you think your love will change a person’s character. That’s why it’s good practice to show discernment before getting involved.
I was just trying to make a point that I thought was important, not dismiss what you wrote.
I’m pretty sure no one can really change another. Neither with love nor otherwise. But showing love and respect may trigger the same in return and the change happens from there. And, of course, a certain level of intelligence is always required.
For sure, I understand. And I didn’t take offense.
It’s just good to find the balance between being too accepting and being paranoid. Most men lean much more towards being too accepting, and that’s why this post exists.
Great observation, I hope you get the best, dude.
Thanks for reading, Johann. Wish you the best as well.
Hello, Drew.
I enjoy reading your blog.
I keep coming back to this article because all the points you mentioned accurately describe my ex-girlfriend. I came across this article last 2 years because I felt something was terribly wrong about my relationship; I went online, and I found your page. You were on point! However, I still was not convinced to end the relationship because I thought I could “save” her. So my ego had something to prove, and it defeated my intuition.
I was so wrong. You can never “save” someone else!
I experienced lots of trauma from that relationship. I was emotionally blackmailed, threatened, lied to, abused, manipulated, and I put up with everything in the name of “love”. I did everything she asked when I couldn’t even pick a song to listen in the car or pick a movie to watch at the cinema. There were moments in the relationship where I thought I was being not being a good boyfriend by saying no.
I broke up with her late last year. She was very upset about it, and she insisted to be friends. It was a very difficult situation to deal with, because I was still attached to her. But I’ve been keeping my distance and my guards up. I moved back to my hometown to save myself from the toxicity, and I blocked her number all her social media accounts.
I’m a lot happier now although sometimes I still struggle with grudges. I learned my lesson the hard way. We all should love ourselves first before we can love other people; I hope we all understand this better.
I think The Second Great Commandment teaches us about it best.
“You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
Thanks for the comment and the kind words.
Yeah, it’s not a good idea to “save” others in that sense.
People think close relationships will change poor character, but oftentimes they just reveal more of it. As modern Christians, we have to remember that the Bible also emphasizes discernment.
We have to see people for who they are so we’re not “unequally-yoked.” Otherwise, we set ourselves up for trouble.
All I can say is WOW!! On target perfect article & thank you so much for stating what Should have been obvious in my 7 month dalliance w/ a hot woman who was 20 years my junior and super hot sexy but had 13 of the 15 signs!!!
Thanks Jacob. Sometimes we all just need to hear the truth from someone else.
A woman doesn’t have to check every item on this list to have a promiscuous past. It might only be one or two things. I am “dating” a girl who, besides the tattoos, doesn’t meet any of this criteria, but she has a body count that would make a hitman jealous. She’s intelligent, articulate, mature, has a great career, rarely uses profanity, never drinks. and she’s total homebody.
So how do I know she’s been around the block? She told me! She lost her virginity as a teen to a “friend” (while she had a bf), has had multiple fwb’s, engaged in threesomes, did an x-rated girl/girl professional photoshoot with a friend. Plus, as soon as we started talking, she moved the conversation right to sex. She was telling me how she wanted to act out rape fantasies with me before we even had normal sex. This was during our first ever conversation after meeting and exchanging numbers.
She is foolish enough to think I’m going to commit long-term to her and has indicated that she wants more than anything “someone to grow old with.” That won’t be me.
[*Edited remainder of comment to remove crass material.*]
Sounds like you’re dealing with a professional. This post was written for cases that aren’t quite so obvious.
The fact that the writer is so logical in explaining these things and what I have experience with woman makes this article 💯 genuine
As a female, I think this should be taken with a grain of salt and hurtful if people unjustly assume these things. I have male friends, but its because I want to be kind towards everyone. I wear occasional crop tops but its because everyone told me I dressed overly conservative… so it’s really hurtful to read this. I think this article should be taken with a grain of salt, and understand that people can change and if their character/ morals are in the correct place…they may really be trying to be a good person. Maybe talk to the girl openly and ask her about her past, and see if she is working on her self, career, hobbies, volunteering, and faith. Give people a chance, everyone has made a mistake at some point & sometimes a little compassion is what we all need. 🙂
Hey, thanks for the comment.
The balance you mentioned here is definitely important.
This post wasn’t written to make men paranoid or assume the worst with every woman they meet. Rather, it’s meant to paint a holistic picture of a type of woman to avoid.
A few signs here or there are nothing to be concerned about. But if this post describes a person to a tee, there’s good reason to worry.
All of this may sound hurtful, but it’s better to foresee danger instead of getting tangled in it later.
Hope that clears things up, and thanks again.
My mother used to say “dont do good things that look bad nor bad things that look good”
we are what we project, and if you are doing any or most of the things mentioned above ,even if internally you are not like that you risk to be NOT taken seriously, ,,,I lived though the pain of dating women who have some of the points mentioned above, and if the label of the bottle says “promiscuous” , i dont buy the bottle anymore, ….remember “dont do good things that look bad nor bad things that look good”
Oh please! Cut it out. You Western women are the most promiscious women on the planet. I feel really sorry that Western men have to put up with you. I Thank God for living in a Muslim country where women aren’t like this, but that is changing too thanks to Westernization. Men aren’t rehabilitation centers for promiscious women, period. I’m Muslim and will remain virgin till marriage. If I find out my wife has a past, it’s over there and then. Your society lets women get away with too much. All of the things in this article are understood red flags in our society.
I’ve gotten some good tips on how to be a better girl….
And how to filter out what a good girlfriend could be to have a social circle.
Not all girls that like to have fun are evil. Some girls got a chance to grow up with older parents; others made mistakes and learned lessons the hard way. They aren’t terrible people, just a bit stupid.
You have nice writing abilities anyway.
Have a good day…
Glad you found it useful, and thanks for the compliment.
Dear Drew,
Like your article alot. These kinds of reading are good for me. I have learned lately to trust my gut more with women. An example: I had talked to this woman, about my age, kind of nearby I met on a dating site. Well….all went well until she started talking about radical feminism and brought up the “patriarchy” and “white male priviliege” then tried to label me as a male feminist. I did not like that at all. Felt emasculated tbh. Well I kind of agreed on some respects. But she was too aggressive and always had to be right. Another major red flag!! I just want someone to relax with, and have great sex with. But these women are TROUBLE. Yes, these radical feminists are trouble. One minute very sweet and demure, but the next, if you happen to say anything remotely sexist, turn into raging [removed].
So anyways, this woman kept saying “friend this friend that” and I got the feeling lots of these friends were guys. I told her about my ex cheating on me the last six months of our relationship. Told her my mother was very neurotic. My mom cheated on my dad when I was five. I never got over that! Thought all women were sluts, given the chance. I have serious trust issues with them. It’s difficult out there nowadays. But the things you bring up in this article are very valid. My ex did the whole “universe” thing and vibing. She ended up cheating with this guy in our environmental club, but continually keeps denying it. So over it now!
Anyways, I never called this new woman ever again. Too many red flags. She’s never reached out to me either. Thanks for your article. Better to know right away who you are dealing with. Not all women are sluts. But the # of sluts out there seems to have increased since I was younger.
Hey Louis. I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Like you said, there’s definitely been a moral decline recently, and not just in women either.
Our culture praises sex in the wrong context far too much. That’s one reason why there are so many broken relationships today.
All you can do at this point is learn what to avoid and keep your eyes open for someone with a similar mindset. Otherwise, you’ll get taken for a ride.
Lmfao…I think I agree. I’m on the opposite end and getting lonely…..help lol.
I am someone with a promiscuous background and also come from a family environment where healthy attachment wasn’t the case.
With that being said, I have made the decision to create a life to be proud of in personal endeavors.
It’s been ten years since leaving a domesticated relationship of 8 years and since the year 2007, I have accumulated a wealth of knowledge in studying how the masculine gender are wired psychololy.
So even though there are some women with little experience sexually, I would be willing to bet that there is a small percentage that have spent 13 years reading books and information after information because of one man who inspired that action.
As for astrology, anything human resource related gives guidance to someones potential in character and knowing who you could be dealing with on an interpersonal level.
After all, it is said “anyone can become a millionaire, but it takes an astrologer to become a billionaire”.
Being someone who is Capricorn sun sign with an Aries ascendant, this makes for personal ambition in terms of career goals.
In truth, no man can compartmentalise a woman as lower social social status when her value has increased psychologically and her income is higher than mass most men.
As mentioned, being someone who has enduresed a vast amount of information on masculine and feminine dynamics (including spending quality money on programmes specifically on key content) I believe that all people will never take that path.
I also believe that not all men will become billionaires and when learning so much on my journey, average man on the streets will unlikely take things up with a woman of that status because everything in proximity would reassemble subconsciously on his part to not feeling enough.
Through metaphysics and natural laws of life, people attract through sympathetic resonan; respirocity will always exist in the ‘universe’.
For sure, to the people who haven’t had an ‘ordinary’ start in life, they are the ones who have every reason to become extraordinary in destiny…
99% need not!
I’m curious about your experience and what was it in the guy that sparked change on your end. I’m a man 37 and with a women who is open about her struggles and she sounds very similar to you. How are things now?
Disagree. I’m a woman with a lot of those signs and I don’t sleep around at all.
I go out a lot bc I have ADHD
I don’t have a man locked in in my early 30s bc I was in an abusive relationship in my 20s and finally got the courage to leave
I have a lot of male friends bc I’m very attractive, so girls automatically hate me
I no longer have marketable skills bc my career folded and is now considered obsolete and I’ve obtained my masters degree, but no one wants me with no experience
Yeah, there are always exceptions.
I’m sorry to hear about some of the troubles you’ve had so far. I sincerely wish you the best going forward.
Thanks for reading, Tiffany.
This is the best article on the web so far. Thanks so much.
The Profanity part really resonated. “It shows a lack of class. It means she doesn’t value purity.”
I’m disgusted by her profanity and have expressed my disgust. She just says, “Let’s hear you swear! C’mon.”
The “universe” guiding everything for which she is not responsible.
The emerging comfort in a person’s company is so very true.
I came here looking for validation and support. You’ve given it to me.
Thanks again.
Glad to hear it, Mitchell. Thanks for reading.
Using swear words isn’t a bad thing. It depends a lot on walk of life and even nation. Here in Ireland we swear a fair bit more than other people but it’s more about how it’s used. Theres a big difference in swearing that just rolls of the tougne and forcing it. Some people swear in a similar way to how people say things like dude sweat and they’re just forcing it and being pretentious. Pretentiousness is another thing you should walk away from you want to find someone who knows who they are, their image is basic and their behaviour is normal to the nation and walk of life you are from. I see more and more girls that refuse to talk in their natural accent here and they sound like their asking a question with every sentence and they act really really nice this is a red flag for me.
All in all good article and very much the truth. Stay away from the girls who put too much time into their apperance and get yourself a women who enjoys a days work.
> [T]here was a correlation between female pre-marital promiscuity and higher rates of divorce. The research, conducted by Jay Teachman, found that women with 16 or more sexual partners prior to marriage had an 80% rate of subsequent divorce.
Wikipedia contributors. (2020, June 20). *Female promiscuity*. In Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. Retrieved 12:06, July 27, 2020, from https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Female_promiscuity&oldid=963578370
Teachman, J. (2003), *Premarital Sex, Premarital Cohabitation, and the Risk of Subsequent Marital Dissolution Among Women*. Journal of Marriage and Family, 65: 444-455. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2003.00444.x
X
[cut and paste](https://pastebin.com/FhML2tsf)
> approximately half of women in the top quintiles of sociosexuality had been sexually unfaithful to a steady partner; this was more than a tenfold increase over the corresponding rate for people in the bottom quintiles.
Bailey, J. M., Kirk, K. M., Zhu, G., Dunne, M. P., & Martin, N. G. (2000). *Do individual differences in sociosexuality represent genetic or environmentally contingent strategies? Evidence from the Australian twin registry*. Journal of personality and social psychology, 78(3), 537–545. https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-3514.78.3.537
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> In illustration of this, the odds ratio of 1.13 for lifetime sexual partners obtained with the face-to-face mode of interview indicates that the probability of infidelity increased by 13% for every additional lifetime sexual partner,
[screenshot](https://imgur.com/a/s1n40)
> Regarding the correlates of infidelity, results indicated that on the basis of both methods of assessment, the probability of sexual infidelity increased with higher number of lifetime sexual partners
Whisman, M. A., & Snyder, D. K. (2007). *Sexual infidelity in a national survey of American women: Differences in prevalence and correlates as a function of method of assessment*. Journal of Family Psychology, 21(2), 147–154. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.21.2.147
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> Our findings demonstrate that infidelity and number of sexual partners are both under moderate genetic influence (41% and 38% heritable, respectively) and the genetic correlation between these two traits is strong (47%). The resulting genetic correlation between the two traits was .47, so nearly half the genes impacting on infidelity also affect number of sexual partners. The correlation of the unique environment between the two variables was .48.
Cherkas, L., Oelsner, E., Mak, Y., Valdes, A., & Spector, T. (2004). *Genetic Influences on Female Infidelity and Number of Sexual Partners in Humans: A Linkage and Association Study of the Role of the Vasopressin Receptor Gene (AVPR1A)*. Twin Research, 7(6), 649-658. doi:10.1375/twin.7.6.649
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> A truism in psychology is that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. This is no less true in the realm of sexual behavior. Indeed, one of the strongest predictors of marital infidelity is one’s number of prior sex partners (Buss, 2000). Deception about past sexual promiscuity would have inflicted greater costs, on average, on men than on women
Haselton, M. G., Buss, D. M., Oubaid, V., & Angleitner, A. (2005). *Sex, Lies, and Strategic Interference: The Psychology of Deception Between the Sexes*. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 31(1), 3–23. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167204271303
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> Sexual promiscuity was significantly positively correlated with emotional promiscuity [r(356) = .261, p < .001], as well with sexual infidelity [r(323) = .595, p < .001] and emotional infidelity [r(323) = .676, p Number of pre-marital partners: percent who cheated once married
> – 2: 10.4%
> – 3: 14.9%
> – 4: 17.7%
> – 5: 21.6%
> – 6-10: 26.0%
> – 11-20: 36.7%
> – 21+: 46.8%
NORC General Social Survey. (2011, October 02). *Female Infidelity Based on Number of Premarital Partners — Statistic Brain*. Retrieved July 5, 2015, from [http://www.statisticbrain.com/percent-of-female-infidelity-based-on-number-of-premarital-partners/](http://archive.is/SDVEU)
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> Contrary to the myth, partners who’ve had many partners have a harder, not easier, time remaining monogamous. They are significantly more at risk of straying than those with little or no prior sexual experience.
Staik, A., PhD. (2019, March 28). *10 Predictors of Infidelity and Gender Differences: Why Do Partners Cheat?* Retrieved July 15, 2020, from [https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2014/08/a-look-at-infidelity-why-do-partners-cheat/](http://archive.is/bPRPy)
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> For people in this survey who reported four or fewer lifetime sexual partners, the rate of infidelity in the current marriage dropped to 11%, while for those who had five or more sexual partners the number was nearly double (21%). The break between the 54% of people who had five or more lifetime sexual partners vs. the 46% who had four or fewer total partners illustrates the lessons from the study. This breakpoint is validated by the fact that when asked straight out, 68% of those with more sexual partners in their pasts agreed that, “I am always faithful to my sexual partner” (whether currently married or single), compared to 82% of those with fewer sexual partners who said the same.
> [I]nfidelity is also often the fruit of a lifelong approach to mating that involves seeking and practicing short-term mating encounters that encourage sexual variety at all stages and into marriage.
McQuivey, J. L., PhD. (2019, October 14). *The Road to Infidelity Passes Through Multiple Sexual Partners*. Retrieved July 16, 2020, from [https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-road-to-infidelity-passes-through-multiple-sexual-partners-](http://archive.vn/IUs6E)
Dear Drew,
Thank you very much for this enlightening article.
I come from a family of divorced parents. Over the years, I have been repeatedly shamed by my mother and sister (both of whom are toxic feminists) for my views on women and marriage.
I believe in sexual purity and fidelity to one’s partner/spouse. I am still a virgin after more than 30 years of age and expect my future wife to respect the sanctity of marriage as much as I do. I have never been in a relationship, though I’ve met more than a few toxic, manipulative women in school and at work, with their share of sob stories.
I wholly agree with many of the red flags you’ve introduced in this article. The all-too-familiar toxic arguments on how some women view the baring of flesh as a sign of empowerment in this modern age, and how some good men are emotionally manipulated into becoming a dumping ground for women with a dirty past when the latter profess that they’ve turned over a new leaf really hit me hard (I’ve been hearing these poisonous speeches from my female family members for years, which place all women, even the indecent ones, before men, especially the good ones).
All these ridiculous arguments are made by the very same women of today who call for “gender equality” in all areas of life, from work to social benefits. Since they’re so insistent on the above, why not start by taking basic responsibility for their actions, especially their sexual history, instead of making good guys clean up their mess?
I applaud your courage in saying that a guy has a right to not pick up another guy’s leftovers. I would recommend this article to all my sensible male friends out there.
Once again, thank you for this enlightening article.
Thank you for reading. I’m glad you found this helpful.
The recent wave of feminism has definitely done a lot of damage, and it’s unfortunate how many women (and men) have accepted its false promises.
At this point, you just gotta find people with a mindset similar to yours, but trust me, they do exist.
I just happened upon this site and wound up reading a lot of it, and the comments. The comment that stopped me had something to do with rap music and a decline in morality. I heard the very same thing in the very same words when I was growing up in the 1950s and the music in question was known as “rock n’ roll” It was interesting from an historical perspective. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Yeah, we talk about “progress” all the time but human nature doesn’t change. We just repeat history over and over again with different tools.
Now that so many women are Gay And Bi nowadays which really makes it very difficult for many of us straight single guys trying to find love today as it is, especially when many of these very pathetic women will even Curse at us for no reason at all when we will just say good morning or hello to these women to hopefully get a good conversation going. Feminists i guess.
The number one problem in America, is the breakdown of the family unit.A man and a woman that are TRUE born again believers,will try to please their heavenly Father.No room for selfish behavior. The women’s lib movement, got what they wanted, but lost what they had.Being physically attractive snares and blinds more men than anything. Beauty is vain.
Preach
Most women unfortunately these days do sleep around a lot since they just can’t be faithful to only one man at all. especially nowadays. Been there. Toxic women everywhere.
Hello Drew,
Thank you for writing this article, I couldn’t agree more with your list of signs to watch out for. I’m in my late 40s, divorced from a woman with BPD and have two children with her. She destroyed my character as I couldn’t be the man she needed me to be. What I did learn from that experience is it doesn’t matter what people think of me, I believe in me and know that I work to make the best choices for me and my kids despite what she said I did and who I was.
Once my marriage ended, I found a way to move on and then start a relationship with a Narcissist, she wanted to move so quickly and I agreed, we ended up buying a house together and on the second night at the house, she said “I think it is cute that you think I’m nice, I’m actually a […]”, she laughed and said she was only joking, it is funny how woman start to reveal themselves once you are trapped. After a very good amount of abuse suffered by my kids and I, We packed up and left, she didn’t let me go easy and I had to pay her 45k to exist the relationship when the house sold.
After taking some time to myself and start dating again, I found a newly divorced woman, who was beautiful and charming, fun and exciting , yet had some deep seated unresolved issues, multiple sex partners in her youth, she was raped at 20 and was having sex with multiple men after she separated from her husband who cheated on her.
I excused almost every item of this list, justified it as she is coming out of a rough time in her life. I’m no saint so it was easy for me forgive and excuse her behavior away. The problems with needing attention from men, alcohol, swearing, lack of sense of self became overwhelming, I became consumed with the idea I can help her, truth is you can’t help anyone and it turned out she became a massive drain on my resources, financially, mentally and emotionally. I was able to sever all ties with her last week and now working on finding my peace, happiness and self again.
In my search for a good woman, my life seems like a broken, repeated loop, Doing the same thing expecting different results is after all, the definition of insanity. I keep searching for a good woman and falling for the wrong one. My plan is to really focus on the warning signs and not fall for theWho seems perfect at the start and really focus on the the person she is, does she know who she is, does she have a good sense of her self, does she protect herself or is she searching for things outside to feel a void that is deep within her.
Gentlemen, Best of luck In finding a true partner worthy of your love, care, respect and attention. I believe it is attainable, but does require a significant amount of diligence on your part. Always trust your gut!
Hi Becks. I’m glad you found this useful.
Like you said, discernment is key with any relationship, especially when looking for a potential spouse.
It sounds like you’ve had some rough experiences with women lately, but please don’t dwell on any of those. Make good character a priority, reflect the ideals you like in your own actions, and respect yourself enough to walk away from people who don’t respect you.
Thanks again and take care man.
As someone who works a late night shift amidst the party subculture, Iv’e came to the conclusion that the term “party girl” is merely a euphemism for a promiscuous young female with a voracious appetite for vodka and cocaine.
Another thing you can add to you Red Flag list, is that the vast majority of party girl-types are bisexual, almost ALL of them. I know a cocaine dealer who prefers bisexual women, because of the extra level of debauchery in their lives.
Excellent article. You described it to a tee.
I’ve been married for nearly 45 years and from dating till today I’ve had an issue with #2, in spurts, at times but now that my wife went back into the workplace, it’s become a problem.
A new “guy” started a few years ago. She had always come home to tell me how her work day progressed, for 30 mins. but after a week with this new guy, she was taking lunch with him and came home to tell me just how amazing this new man is. Every day, not a word about her work, only how great this guy is, how he does this and that, and can do it better than anyone else. I’ve complimented her hundreds of time, often to attempt to build her up to less than friendly response. Everything from ignoring them to anger for them. BUT, the new guy comliments her and she comes home floating on air, beaming glowing.
Then six months of torture later, hearing hundred of his remarkable attributes, my wife comes home openly upset, despondent, wouldn’ t say a word from Friday till Sunday evening to me, morose, depressed. She finally grunted out that he resigned and was moving to another state. I was thrilled but didn’t let on. She was depresssed for a year, shed tears in restaurants thinking of him, saying his name. She began emails to him a week after he left, it took three to get a response. Oh, the platonic relationship! NOT. In one of her later emails she ended it with love you, Bettty (not her name) HIs return email had the same end, love you, Bob.
There is pages of more stuff but I was shocked at her highschool crush like love for him at work and pursuing him later. I discovered she was texting him, she initiated and they plan to have a phone call later, possible after her lunch with anohter former male coworker whe she also pursued when he left.
How am I supposed to feel? She denies any emotional ties during the one time I finally confronted it. Frankly, it’s her, not him or them that pursues. She admitted she was wrong in the past, it’ an ongoing issue of our entire relatiohship but she continues to seek out men to buddy up with and this one definately had an emotional tie, frankly both current “friends” have an emotional tie. I’m tired of it but don’ t seem to have an out. I love my wife 100% and get back 100% at times, less other tiems which is not acceptable to me as a married man. Am I wrong?
Hey Carl, thanks for reading.
To be honest here, your comment describes an awful situation. It’s completely inappropriate for a spouse to have relationships like that with other men.
If you’ve been married 45 years like you said, this is probably due to a desire for attention from younger guys that she probably had when she was younger, but either way, it’s still inappropriate.
You should never “get back” at a partner if a healthy relationship is your goal though. Instead, you need to set firm boundaries about what is and isn’t acceptable.
You should directly confront her about this and let her know it’s not okay——no matter how she tries to label it. You should also refuse to listen to anything about another guy. And please don’t give compliments to fix this either. That will make her lose the very small amount of respect she has left for you.
Its hard to give better answers though because the foundations of respect and commitment that should be present in any marriage are shaky here. The best I can advise is to take a stand as a leader, and hope that she honors her commitment by cooperating.
Drew.
I’m 37 and she is 34 almost 35. She displays all these flags except one huge exception. She Openly discusses her issues with me even to the point of early childhood trauma That is hard for her to talk about even to the point of our discussions making her reach out to her mom for answers which she has never done and she excepts that she has issues dealt to her because of her up bringing. This is not brought on by me but rather like she is asking for help and truly wants to escape. She is reading self help books and discusses change in in her life and expresses tons of Love as do I. She is not selfish one bit but does display these red flags but seems to have been loyal while we have been together but the stories of her past she tells me tells me that she has trouble staying faithful and admits to wrong doings before. She even shares her location 24/7 and is always in contact.
It confuses me on what I should do. I have already fallen in Love and so has she but in a way I’m ready for it one day to fall apart, but have you ever heard of a women like this actually letting her demons be shown and being honest about things? In a way it tells me it possibly doesn’t have full grasp of her life like it may with some women.
Advice? Thanks
Hey HappyDude,
Sorry for the late response, but to answer your question, I’d definitely be cautious.
It sounds like you’re letting your emotions lead you to saving a partner. And that usually doesn’t work out.
I’d agree that it’s a good sign that she’s transparent, but the risk is still there, and I think you know that. Keep in mind that the ability to stay faithful is a pretty low bar too. I’d advise that you consider much more than just “will she cheat?”.
This post is about making good judgments about people’s actions and choosing wisely because of it. It’s not concerned about why someone acts the way they do. It’s unfortunate that a woman’s upbringing might incline her to do what she’s done, but it’s dangerous to let external circumstances excuse poor behavior.
The ultimate choice is up to you though. Please just understand the decision you’re making.
After reading this I realize that … I AM THE ” ALMOST ” PERFECT girl ( nobody is perfect) even though I was never treated like a princess by anyone even though I am attractive. If there are any suiters out there hit me up., single, no kids. party on weekends only, good job, loyal, kind, funny, honest, real bedazzelle@gmail.com
This is the first article I read on your website Drew (found it through a Google search). I found myself nodding along with all the 15 points.
I want to express my appreciation for the life experiences you have had to be able to write such an article.
I recently broke up with a woman who had diagnosed bipolar and undiagnosed BPD (I learned about this personality cluster during the relationship, because my gut was screaming THIS IS NOT NORMAL).
My gut instinct told me she was bad news from the beginning and I could never trust her no matter how much time we spent together. I must have broken up with her about 7 times, only for her to behave like a child, beg, self-mutilate, gaslight, use ‘logic’ (tell me what she thought I wanted to hear in a detached seemingly rational way).
After the last breakup, she went into a rage and physically attacked me for 30 minutes (I phoned a relative of hers to pick her up and put my hands in my pockets during the episode, because I knew it would be twisted if I reacted). Within a few days, she found a new supply and is also heavily partying in very shady places (a LOT of drugs etc..).
It’s now been 2 months since the breakup. At first I felt a LOT of sadness, a lot of ruminating thoughts etc.. I committed slowly to improving myself (started throwing get togethers at my place to solve the ‘meeting new women’ part, plus I prefer that dynamic versus going out to parties where I won’t meet the type of girls I want – Drew’s article). Also, lost fat, committed with a friend to a workout regimen etc..
This comment is getting too long haha, I just wanted to share that and express my appreciation for your writing Drew. I’m a subscriber. All the best 🙂
Hey Naz,
I’m glad to hear it! It sounds like you’re doing better now and that’s awesome.
I admire your ability to restrain yourself during that physical episode. People like that will do anything to make you retaliate, but that was a smart move you pulled, and you handled that whole thing really well.
Thanks for the kind words too. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t able to write stuff like this, but hearing that people like you benefit from it makes me keep my own experiences in perspective.
Take care man.
WOW , YOU nailed it!…I consider myself a very experienced guy when it comes to women, ,,and yes i got that GUT feeling something aint right!,,,,I saw many of the signs you mentioned above…and i said ” […] that im getting the […] -out of here” and you were right im happily married with some one who DOESNT have any of these 15 point descriptions,,,case in point if something feels off CHANCES ARE SOMETHING IS OFF!
Hey Drew,
Thanks for the article. I am a woman and have found myself identified in a lot of the things you list here. I feel ashamed of having been promiscuous and even though I have reservations I want to be attractive to man and be good to a man genuinely. How can I go from being a tattooed promiscuous woman to someone who’s capable of being married for life?
Thanks,
Joey
Hey Joey, thanks for reading.
I like your question and it probably deserves a post of its own.
To give some answers here though, you can start by simply doing the opposite of most of the signs listed. I know that’s kind of a cheap answer, but doing that will help you present yourself in a better light.
You want to be attractive to men without being risky. That means you still stay in shape, wear tasteful makeup, and take care of other personal needs, but you also avoid clothing that’s too tight or shows too much skin (i.e. it shows your midriff, cleavage, etc.).
There’s a balance you have to find between dressing like your grandma and looking like someone who works on the street. (If I were you though, I’d lean more towards grandma.)
You want to present yourself as (and actually be) an emotionally stable woman who can cooperate with a man without being any kind of threat to him.
This does not mean you should be a pushover. Nor does it mean you have to sacrifice all your personal goals and desires. But you do want to avoid situations and appearances that don’t give the right impression.
That’s my general advice. You just need to be self-aware and show self-control.
Now I’ll be honest here and say that your past may affect your marriage prospects going forward. That’s an unfortunate consequence of your old lifestyle, and you have to be mature enough to accept it.
That being said, it’s no reason to hold your head down. There’s strength in admitting your faults and committing to doing better. The repentant mindset you have is also pretty rare, and many guys will overlook shortcomings because of it.
Anyways, hope that helps, and thanks again.
As a woman, I would hope these red flags apply both ways? E.g a man who is a moderate to heavy drinker and uses profanity shouldn’t expect a woman who values purity and no alcohol. The two of them would have clashing values.
It’s important to not be a hypocrite, because that in itself is a big red flag.
Apart from the potential of being hypocritical, I’d say these are generally good advice.
Hey Ivy,
Yes, it does apply both ways.
This article assumes the reader has a particular set of values, and it is geared more towards a male audience. If this post was about helping women screen potential partners, the assumed values and goals would be similar.
Nothing bothers me more than people who think they deserve the world without holding themselves to high standards. So please don’t think I’m encouraging hypocrisy here.
Thank you for such insightful advice. I am 51. I’m a career firefighter. I’ve unfortunately found myself in relationships where the woman I met made me feel like I was special and attractive. Only to learn I was being cheated on, especially while on duty. Just when I thought I had seen and experienced it all, I met yet another woman who “swept me off my feet.” She’d love bomb me with texts, memes, expressive quotes, projected herself as a woman of faith, hard working single mom who worked as a caregiver for elderly and went to school part time. I didn’t rush into the relationship, but I was all in from early on. It felt “magical.” I started seeing some red flags with inconsistencies in communication and texting. To make a VERY long story short, I discovered she had a double life as a high paid professional escort! Not only that, but it was very extreme. Without going into detail, imagine some of the most extreme things you’ve seen online involving lots of men… Since this revelation, I’ve been given every excuse in the book. She wants to fix this, saying no one has ever shown her what true love really is. I feel like a fool for believing all of the lies on top of lies. It’s not my job to “save her.” To say she’s been promiscuous is an understatement. She went from trying to dismiss her behavior as just “work” to finally expressing remorse and accountability. I have told her she needs to seek professional counseling. This is all still very new and I’m still in a state of shock. I feel like I don’t even know who she is now. Please don’t judge me for still being in the relationship. Right now I’m simply looking for information on how to cope, no matter how this plays out. She knows I am a good man, and she says she wants to marry me and be a step father to her child. She even went so far as to higher a PI to follow me, probably because of her own paranoia. At first I was mad, but he confirmed for her that I was in fact always exactly where I said I was. I swear I could write a book. She has even admitted to me that part of the “high” she felt was knowing she was doing something wrong, both her and the married men that were paying her tons of money. She was also horrible at communicating her “needs” sexually, and those needs were being met by strangers because she thought I wanted this pure innocent church going woman, but that is who she PROJECTED HERSELF TO BE!!! She even went so far as to tell me she hadn’t had sex since leaving her ex husband 3 years ago. Difficult to believe, but I didn’t know her at the time. Who was I to judge? This experience has taught me that even the most seemingly innocent women can be just as conniving and manipulative if not more, than men. And I defy any woman who says differently. I could go on more about the projecting, gas lighting and love bombing and lying, but this is long enough. Thank you for your help.
Hey Max,
Thanks for reading. I’m glad I could help.
I won’t say much about your story here since you’re well aware that this person isn’t someone you should be around, but I would advise you to just stay safe.
This person has already proven that she can’t be trusted, and she’s done some heinous and shady things behind your back. That line about her feeling a high by doing stuff like this is disturbing too. That’s the kind of stuff the most notorious criminals in history have admitted to. So please be careful here.
No amount of romantic love is going to change the clearly damaged mind she has. That woman definitely needs some supportive people in her life, but it doesn’t sound like a boyfriend/husband is one of them.
Spot on. You wrote a very true article. Luckily I could spot the traps before I leaped
You are going to save many men out there (and lesbians)
Good luck in the future bro.
Hello,
I found your page because I was looking for articles on “Why to not date a guy with tattoos” as I am preparing myself to be a wife and I see so many guys with tattoos, man buns and piercings. I won’t lose hope.
Instead, I found your article here which had so many excellent and real points about the modern woman. Several which I have already purged from my life, and a few that are fading away with counseling, working out consistently and eating healthy. All of those three last things greatly affect my physical and emotional health.
Even though your article was geared toward men, as a woman it was good to reinforce the path I chose to walk on every day, vehemently towards traditional life.
Hey Melanie, I’m glad to hear that. It’s refreshing to see comments like this from people with a similar mindset.
I hope your preparations go well. You sound like you’re doing all you can to be an excellent partner, and that’s awesome.
Very valid points in this article. Commendable for Mr. Shepherd to speak up bravely and truthfully about this, especially in an era where one is called out by gangs of virtue signalers as “judgmental” for calling it how it is.
At 63, I never married, and I never fully grasped this western “serial dating” model we have. For me, it was a waste of time, a waste of money, and the mental gymnastics and psychological drain were often torturous. What I could do with that wasted $ today (help my parish, help missionaries, pay off/down debt, and beef up my paltry retirement funds, plus have avoided uncalled for, and unnecessary drama and stress from the many problematic women, both young and old, that plague our culture).
Something I would add to Mr. Shepherd’s insightful analysis is the proliferation of single mothers in our culture. I see the negative effects of this dilemma in my workplace, and in our culture. Men need to avoid single mothers at all costs. Unless a man wants to play second string to a single mother’s children, deal with her ex/exes, and be a walking ATM, or be yet another “ex” who didn’t make the cut, the juice isn’t worth the squeeze, and stay far away from them.
Also, what’s happening to evangelicals? I left evangelicalism 23 years ago at the then age of 40, changed denominations, and never looked back. But the doting conservative evangelical Dugger type girls I sometimes saw back in the day are now like the Cardi Bs and Kardashians of today.
Hey Antonio, Mr. Shepherd says thanks.
To add to your last point about Evangelicals though, it’s important to remember that everyone in church isn’t part of the Church. People will show who they really are over time.
As a woman, I want to thank you for posting this. It’s helped to show me what I don’t want to be. I’m not into horoscopes at all but I have used my personality as an excuse for my behaviors(whether good or bad) and I just plain need to stop it. Lol!
All of your points were excellent and I agreed with each and every one of them. I think you have a very well-balanced view on what to look for in a romantic relationship and I applaud your willingness to address some of the more contorversial subjects in today’s society such as the modesty issue. I despise how people get offended if you are bothered by seeing them so exposed. Even in men, sometimes I feel like they get consumed with how others view them. Walking around like a rooster without a shirt on. The cocky grin because they know they are “hot”. It’s a major red flag to me.
As a side note, I would be interested to read about codependency from your perspective if you ever get the time.
Do you have a similar article on men?
Thank you again for your honesty!
All the best,
Kaydin
Hey Kaydin, thanks a lot for the kind words. It’s always good to hear a positive female response to this article since some women apparently think it’s hate speech.
To answer your other comments though, I don’t have a similar article on men right now. I honestly think it’s easier to tell with guys since they’re usually straightforward with their intentions. Plus I’m a guy myself and I’m simply not that interested in writing about other dudes. Other people have asked for something similar though, so you never know.
I’ve also touched on codependency in an indirect way before, but that might also be something for later.
Thanks again for reading and for your comment. You seem like a person with a great mindset, and I admire you for it.
Haha! You are most welcome. 😊
Yeah. Some women really don’t have the backbone to hear that they aren’t these perfect angels. 😂 I’m glad guys like you can warn the inexperienced men before they get their hearts shredded.
That’s understandable. You guys are pretty obvious. Still, if you do write one, you’ve already got a reader.
And all right! I’ll keep my eyes peeled in case you do. I recently figured out that I am a very codependent person and the day I found your article, I was trying to figure out how NOT to be. It’s not something anybody should bring into a relationship in my opinion. Just sucks the life out of people.
I gotta say, you scared the living daylights out of me with your borderline personality disorder article. I spent like an hour studying it to make sure I didn’t have it because the idea of hurting someone that badly makes me sick to my stomach. 🥺 I’m really sorry that you had to go through that and I hope you find a woman who is healthy and your better half.
You too seem like a person with a great mindset! And thank you for your reply!😁
Very logical and well thought article. Some points are grey areas – but really – if all guys could read this and really take it to heart – they would do a lot to protect themselves long term. I was often friend-zoned in high school and had many females crying on my shoulder – something they often complained of was that men want ‘sluts’ , but then marry someone who isn’t . Your article explains why …….. Marriage is an investment based on stability and self control and emotional maturity . In fact this article could be applied in the reverse as I’m sure the warning signs would be similar for men. Just a good relationship article period!
Thank you for reading.
I realize there are some grey areas here and there are definitely some exceptions, but I think the article does a good job of staying balanced and painting a bigger picture of what to avoid.
Thank you very much. Excellent text.
The world is crazy.
There are always exceptions to the rule. But…
Women are waiting for a man to talk to them. And they think they choose the man?
Women should be much more interested in choosing a man and not the other way around.
The reasons are obvious, but not for women.
The woman will have to put up with a child of a man she does not like, consequently will have to pretend to be happy for the rest of her life.
A woman should choose a man with good genes, healthy, who treats her well and who can have a life with him with a healthy environment to have children, etc…
But women only think about money, they play special. And then anyone will do, have money or not.
The woman can’t be a companion. The woman is destructive.
How to have a healthy relationship?
A man has to have his whole life done, money, house, car,… everything. Only then should you look for a relationship.
You can’t get married, and you must order children from Ukraine.
If you don’t, you run the risk of her getting a divorce. And there goes a life with peace and lots of money.
Two studies were conducted on people with narcissistic personality disorders.
In 1980 it was 30%.
In 2010 it was 70%.
Soon there is not a single person with empathy. That means the day will come when no one likes anyone.
I also read the comments, only for women:
Choosing is not waiting for a man to fall from the sky.
And men don’t go to women now, because the quality of women is so little. Sooner or later it’s a disappointment. A waste of time and money.
Promiscuity is an adjective and like any adjective its definition is subjective.
But if you still want someone to define that for you, then you’re promiscuous.
Women date dozens if not hundreds, but since they haven’t had sex with all of them, they want to know if they’re promiscuous.
It’s not just about sex.
Definition of promiscuous
1: having or involving many sexual partners : not restricted to one sexual partner or few sexual partners
2: not restricted to one class, sort, or person : INDISCRIMINATE
3: CASUAL, IRREGULAR
4: composed of all sorts of persons or things
Women were good for sex. Now they can’t even do that as well.
In Spain there are already higher courses for women to learn to have sex.
Crazy world.
A man wants peace and a woman to love.
A virgin woman has no emotional baggage.
But virgin women are 11 or 12 years old.
So if you’re a man, you have to hang on to the garbage women, or die alone.
Hi Miguel,
Thanks for reading. As far as your comment goes though, I think you need to be careful.
Sure, many women are far too passive in seeking relationships and approaching the guys they like. Global secularization, social media, and a bunch of other factors have led to a notable decrease in character worldwide too. But you can’t let those observations create an unhealthy mindset towards relationships and women in general.
It’s easy to wallow in a defeated attitude after you’ve had bad experiences—incel culture and some men’s rights groups have made whole communities out of it—but I challenge you to be better than that.
I didn’t write this article to complain about women and how bad they’ve gotten. I wrote this so readers would know how to protect themselves from self-centered people who care nothing about consequences.
Are there truly dangerous women who you should stay far away from? Yes. But you can say the same thing about men. And even though those women will hurt and embarrass you, you can’t let them blind you to all the encouraging, thoughtful, and supportive women who actually do exist.
If you want to find one of the good ones, you have to lead the way. So stay in shape, take good care of yourself, and get rid of this idea that men are at the mercy of a cruel fate.
You just read this article, so you know how to screen out the bad ones. All you have to do now is get your mind off of them and become the type of person who’s attractive to what you want.
No, it’s not easy. And I truly empathize with guys who were burned by women who didn’t hold similar values, but that’s life. None of us are entitled to an ideal. So we have to adapt, get stronger, and get wiser. And when you do that, you’ll be surprised by how many like-minded people come around.
I totally agree and i appreciate your reply.
To be clear. I don’t want to generalize. I’m talking about the norm.
The experience I have is that it becomes very difficult to have a healthy relationship these days.
The world has become more competitive and women see men as utilities. Relationships are of convenience. Women feel deserving of much more than they can offer. They have a lot of problems with themselves.
And for those men who want to achieve difficult goals, women are a total waste of time. When a man finally finishes what he started he is no longer in the same mood and now sees women as utilities. It’s the reverse of the coin.
Ideally relationships should be healthy and cooperative, but they are not. It’s not enough to be an intelligent man, with principles, good shape, earn more than the average and be and do everything we know a woman likes and values.
Sooner or later you start to see that the person you’re with has some kind of mental problem. It’s either borderline or it’s some other crap. I know the red flags now.
I know women go through a lot. With bad parents, bad boyfriends, bad jobs, etc..
Or it’s the food, the social media, the movies, all that together or something else.
“So we have to adapt, get stronger, and get wiser.”
That’s right.
This is from my experience of course. Everyone has their own. But I don’t live on Mars. So it shouldn’t be too far removed from reality.
The last sentence is a sarcastic joke.
I got you. No offense taken man. Thanks for the discussion.
Drew,
Excellent, excellent article. First time on this HFE site, and have read many articles in one sitting. Good sober counsel.
Maybe it’s my age (55), but I found this article, VERY ENCOURAGING. Honestly, it hadn’t been easy growing up in the shadows of promiscuous and honor-compromised girls who seemed to receive all the attention from the boys because of all their exposed cracks. Tough for a middle schooler, high schooler, and college student finding her way through life, and looking for acceptance (as do all)..
I did not grow up with any Biblical counsel, so I just accepted things as they were. – as opposed to rejoicing in God’s protection and NOT feeling inferior because i chose not to dress and behave like the ‘fast’ girls.
I do not read this article in the defensive. As you’ve stated this writing is designed to give people – especially young men – wisdom to consider (there’s wisdom in a multitude of counsel – Prov 11:14) when seeking close relationships. There’s NOTHING wrong with warning and avoiding these intimate relationships. It’s the same for young women – actually all single women.
This is the advice I would teach my own sons (when I adopt). Avoiding close relationships with promiscuous insecure females does NOT rule out praying for the precious struggling women. The ideas in your article are for PROTECTION and not alienation or judgement. I rejoice that there are those that write about and read these truths . They’re certainly not readily encountered in any popular media outlets.
Yes, Proverbs is full of wholesome Godly directives – not to hit anyone over the head but to impart wisdom and healthy guidance. We always have before us the choice between life and death. With that we’re encouraged to choose life so that both us AND our descendants would live (Deut 30:19).
God bless you and all your plowing in His field.
Thank you so much. You described my intentions here perfectly.
God bless you as well.
So on point. This was the confirmation bias I needed. I was trapped in a relationship with a woman like that in the past but this time I was able to defuse it and run away in less than one month.
I would add to the list: 1. being vegan/vegetarian 2. being feminist 3. being polyamorous 3. being libertarian and independent to the point of not actually committing/refraining from doing things obviously outside of boundaries of a monogamous relationship.
now that I am thinking about it, it was bloody obvious.
…oh, and daddy issues of course
Most men are promiscuous by nature – and nowadays many women hop into this masculinity nature too.
There are 3 ways a human hop into promiscuity:
A. By decision (eg: I want it)
B. By being ignorant (eg: go with the flow)
C. By mix factor of both (eg: everybody do it, so I follow them, and I discover that I like it – LoL)
Fact is, Mother Nature doesn’t care about all these human-socio-psychological problems. Mother Nature just wants us to pro-create – to have sex. So there we have it: sex always attracts and always feels right when we’re doing it, regardless tons of problems it may convey in the future.
Promiscuousness is an exciting experience. Some tried and left, some stay in for a lifetime. Some don’t do it at all and they missed the experience in their lifetime.
I’d say life is about experiencing, not only good things, but also bad things. Either way, we live our lives, try to make the best of and enjoy it – while also help others to best their lives too.
But life needs to be experienced, learned and lived. There will be tears, angers, losses, all the sufferings, and it is how we cope, learn and develop. Let’s learn and graduate – hopefully.
It is just how life is. Let’s be thankful God put us here. Welcome to Earth 🙂
Thank you for your great writings – many valuable lessons of life.
I appreciate the compliment, but we’ll have to agree to disagree on the worldview you present.
Yes, many people do have a drive to be promiscuous, but Mother Nature ain’t the reason for it. Plus if we all did what we had urges to do, this world would be in even worse shape than it is now.
The promise of “anything goes” culture deceives us by sounding so good to our ears. In practice though, it’s a very dangerous and unfulfilling way to live.
Agreed. In a nutshell they’re promoting the thelema principle of do as thou wilt which is literally a satanic principle. People who adhere to that fail to realize that just because evil coexists with good doesn’t mean that evil is justifiable. It just means that it coexists is all. This spills into the “universe vibes” rhetoric.
What they do is confuse the concept of positive and negative duality (for example: negative and positive battery charges, hot & cold, right & left, up and down, etc.). Those particular things have an element of relativity in it because up direction can be relative to where I’m positioned.
The mistake they make, often purposely, is that they try to say that good and bad is not objective but relative. That’s a lie. For example, it’s good to want to succeed in life but it’s bad to want to succeed in doing bad things. I want to make a lot of money to support my family but it’s bad to want to resort to engaging in criminality (selling drugs, robbing banks, human trafficking, etc.) to make a lot of money. There’s nothing relative about that. It’s pretty concrete.
What folks like this are doing is purposely trying to blur the lines between good and evil so that it’s harder to pinpoint thus being camouflaged as being relative. That’s why they hate the Bible and even no Christian religious principles. The Bible highlights how there life choices are bad and in some cases even abominable.
Also, a lot of these universe chakra folks are witches/practitioners hence why they adhere to those principles. What they don’t say is that the energies they’re galvanizing is core speak for conjuring, spell casting, and the like.
For example, when a promiscuous woman dresses in a particular manner she’s trying to galvanize certain energies out of those in her surroundings. The energies are reactions to her, thoughts about her appearance being appealing, thoughts about what they’d want to do with her given they’re being sexually aroused, being so aroused that they’d make fools of themselves even to the point of not using protection or acting in a manner they usually wouldn’t, and so forth. Not all promiscuous women are witches but a lot of witches, and other forms of the craft, do promote promiscuity as they adhere to the relativity principle and that anything goes.
Also, when they talk about Mother Nature and all that, they’re referring to what they deem as gods which are really just demons. They all worship the unholy trinity which contains the horn god, mother goddess, and their son. In the ancient kemetic system, for example, that’s what Assar, Asset, and, Horus aka Osiris, Isis, and Heru. represented. On the earthly level, the three are emblematic of Cush, Nimrod, and Semiramis. Really, the unholy trinity is satan’s imitation of the True Holy Trinity.
Not to go too esoteric but wanted to give an understanding of what they’re operating under. The promiscuous woman motif is really a mother goddess archetype. That’s why many promiscuous women market themselves as independent strong queen bees and mothers of the earth and all that nonsense lol. They’re earthly embodiments of the mother goddess whore of babylon and refer to themselves as goddesses or even gods.
All in all very good rundown. I may add an independent & in-depth comment on what I thought about your list. God bless you brother and thank you for giving the truth even at the cost of mocking/ridicule from others.
Thanks JB.
There are some interesting points in what you wrote too. All the esoteric knowledge isn’t necessary to understand this though. There are simple biblical teachings that explain all of this.
Human sinfulness is the ultimate cause of people’s desire to act this way. That’s why the gospel of Christ is so important.
Thanks again for reading and encouraging a fellow believer. And don’t worry, the hate and ridicule bother me. I know all that comes with the territory.
Most welcome and thanks for putting the info out. Very good read and this is definitely something that young men should be taught early on.
I’d have to disagree that the esoteric stuff isn’t necessary as it’s still good to shine the light on these things and expose it so that way it’s not “esoteric.” The devil operates off of secrecy so that way what’s hidden can’t be seen, called out and done away with. This is how many churches get infiltrated actually. There’s many churches that are in fact ran by witches and the like. I’ve seen it live and direct and was able to tell by having an awareness of what encompasses that stuff.
For example. I went to a church in SF a few months back and saw the preacher throwing up an certain hand sign several times throughout the service and motioning it towards the congregants. I prayed against it while the service was in action.
We’re actually doing the same thing in the sense of giving specifics (types of dress, specific behaviors, and the like) of what to look for when coming across those who choose crooked paths like this.
For example, the reason why the promiscuous woman often refers to herself as a goddess/god is because they believe that men came from women (Adam came from Eve) which would indicate that they’re discrediting Holy Scripture. The reason why it’s important to understand that context is because those who say that are likely involved in some type of occult art which we know is all rooted in satan and his lies. It’s a way to pinpoint what’s what and who’s who.
But again, I’d agree in terms of not missing the forest for the tree and keeping our eyes on Jesus and His Way.
Keep doing what you’re doing and God bless!
It is the most important and best article I have read in years !
Thank you so much !
You’re welcome! Thanks to you for the compliment.
LOL, you are so dead on in most of those. My wife has literally none of the traits you mentioned, and is the most wonderful and faithful woman I ever dated – so I married her. We’ve been together since 1979 (!) and remains my best friend. It was immediately the most comfortable relationship I was ever in. Unlike the other girls I dated, I never worried where to go, what parties to attend, what restaurants to try. It was like I knew her for years.
I honestly hope that decent men take your advice, and if these guys are themselves promiscuous or abusive to women, they will go elsewhere. Women like that need to be treated like the great people they are.
That’s amazing, John! Congrats on such a long and enjoyable marriage. And yeah, I’m glad my words aligned with the reality you saw.
I also hope people use this for mutual good and not for hypocritical purposes. There’s no point in holding others to high standards if you can’t do the same for yourself.
Salute.
Reading this after a breakup seriously opened my eyes. I had been stunned by a girl until I kept hearing information from her and by people around her that was hard for me to process, to a point I just couldn´t cope with it and just got drunk. After that we broke up and I was the bad guy. Going through this list, I can tell you that out of the 15 criteria, I found that the person in question scored positively on 10, negatively on 2 and 3 unconfirmed. On some points raised I may have settled on a compromise, yet with the different pieces of the puzzle fitting into itself, I must state that reading this article has been very comforting
Glad you found it helpful, Andrew.
Sorry to hear about the breakup, but with how you described the situation, it may not be all bad. With the knowledge you have now too, it should be easier to find a person you can build something good with next time around.
Best wishes, man.
I can’t believe you spent so much time writing this. As a promiscuous girl, there’s no way on earth for me to sleep with someone who has opinions like yours.
Hi Helia, I think you’re missing the point of this article. Thanks for the feedback though.
Appreciate the article, good read, salute also too all the fellow commenters, made me self reflect.
Almost every elder male i’ve known is divorced or single, this observation alone has given me pause.
From my experience women only like me because i have scars and they want excitement “bad guy”
Or it’s like a game amongst them, who can pull the scarred up mysterious guy, very shallow, arrogant.
Which has been a good way to root out **** heads, because truthfully i’m not bad, just look like it lol.
I get more enjoyment observing/trolling them than sleeping with them.
I can relate lol!
Really informative read and well written. I got married to the first girl I dated. Had no idea about girls or anything. 8 years later I divorced her after cheating on me. I have two kids and we couldn’t be closer….not so much with their mom.
Recently went through a tough break up with a girl I dated for a year. I’m older now so I saw the red flags in the beginning but overlooked them because I was attracted to her physically and her personality. The problem is she had a LOT of past trauma….
-Emotionally abusive controlling dad(parents were never married)
-sexually active at a young age with older men in HS
-said she was Sexually assaulted in college
-Dated a guy for 3 years who was a regular when she worked at Twin Peaks (Like a Hooters) he was 15 years older than her with a kid and Constantly cheated on her and used hookers. She monkey branched to another guy who cheated on her in the first month….lied about his military service….Married him after dating a month. This Guy was unemployed….abusive….and lived off her(She was a cop at the time) and ended up getting fired from her job for hiding evidence for him. Crazy right?!
Then she latches onto me literally while still going through a divorce. I always felt responsible for her emotional stability… Very insecure… Always going through my phone… But when it got to the point that she was forcing me to have a baby with her even though I was upfront and said I didn’t want anymore kids I had to pull the plug. But what do you think she did?… Yep monkey branched right to another guy. That’s what hurts the most and that was six months ago. She’s now a bartender and the last thing she told me was she wanted to be a mom within the year.
Basically just wanted to say I really appreciate everything you wrote… It’s too the point. Daddy issues to me are the biggest red flag and there’s no question you will never love them enough once they are done with you or don’t “feel loved”. They will replace you with somebody else. Not with it.
Thanks Matt,
It’s good to hear from you and so many other guys about how this post made a practical difference in people’s lives.
It seems like your story and this article as a whole just point to finding a partner who cares about someone other than herself. Hopefully our words make that task easier in a culture where selflessness is pretty rare.
This is so true. I helped a woman who was over aged and very older than me to get married. I later discovered she has warts in her genital area. She had slept with many people in past. I checked out her Facebook and saw nasty chats therein. This Hindu girl calls them brother but dates with them. I felt like trauma and was in deep depression. But I am slowly catching up. Now I have asked her to change and I am moving on. I do not look to much on her and just give her a little. I am trying to forget her as I don’t like her. It was a mistake marrying this adulteress and I ask almighty to forgive me.
This article hits the nail on the head It is so spot. On I’m reading it going yep yep yep yep the whole way through. So on point. And so many times we jump back on the same merry go round I do anyway and with the same girl few months on week and a bit off few month merry go round couple weeks off couple months back on and jumped of couple months ago and just yesterday the shows arrived back in town and the merry go round is just setting up for to ride again. True story am I demented or what I don’t know all I hear in my head is the show music d d d d d d d d d d d d d . All aboard.
My situation is a bit complicared… and searching for some advice. I’m dating a girl who has been single for about 5 years. We are foreign lovers so we live in different places. Long distance stuff. Through this post I’d say she’s a 8/15 including the one “my gut tells me she’s just not for me”
I’m a bit hypocritical here wanting to have a girl not like this because I haven’t been actually a Saint but I guess I get to choose what I want.
The reason why I am insecure about her is because she shares some stories, I guess being confident but I think she also forgot she was talking to her lover. I’ve dated her for 6 months and I want to get more serious at this part of my life but I just don’t think she’s the one.
1. Sometimes regarding sex conversations or sexual stuff she says stuff like “I like when GUYS do or don’t do that”
2. Her body count apparently she says it’s 30 with a list that she somehow showed me. I’m pretty sure it’s more than that…
3. She says she slept with her ex boyfriend brother after 7 years of dating the guy. Why? Because she was confused and didn’t know. Really bad feeling for me. She says that was only 8 months ago
4. Her 2 traveling friends I met when I met her sleep around and in her travel had group sex with my friends.. She’s also done group sex before although she says she doesn’t like it.
5. I’m actually scared that she’s been single for so long that she got a reputation at home and now she met me, who has no idea what her life at home is, and she’s taking advantage of that thinking she can keep me because I don’t know better.
6. She’s done plenty of drugs but she says that she never bring a guy home after doing that, she says her body count is only high because she goes out with guys that bring her on dates and then they [have sex] but it’s usually a one time thing. I rarely believe that.
. I’m actually not afraid she’ll cheat on me because like you said I’m a good match for her future (own company and look good for my age 32) but I just don’t feel comfortable anymore and really I don’t know if in her future, if things go bad or we have a discussion or something, she could go back to her old days and do something messed up that mess up my life.
She says that she’s changed and I need to make an effort to trust her, but my gut tells me no.
Believe I’m no saint, I enjoy hooking up with promiscuous women, but dating one is a completely different story. I really would like it sooooo much more if she didn’t tell me some stories, the past is in the past, but now that I know what she did… I’m not sure.
She says she’s trying better to change, she’s finishing school now (she 26) she likes nature, and has a good job at a clothing company, she’s funny and cool and incredibly good looking. She’s not doing drugs like before BUT just before she met me, just this one year she [slept with] 8 different guys…
I’m trying to have an open relationship but I don’t really know if I should consider her for my future.
Guys and girls tell me what’s up.
Hey JN,
Here’s my short answer: End it.
Here’s my long answer: It sounds like you know exactly what to do here, but for whatever reason (most likely the fact that she’s “incredibly good looking”), you don’t want to pull the trigger. There are plenty of women who have the few positive qualities you mentioned about her who don’t have the past she does though.
I won’t pull any punches here either: I agree that your thought process is very hypocritical. Why should a woman with a clean past want to date you? Doing so would be unfair to her.
I’m sorry to say it, but in a way, the woman you’re with now appears to be a good match considering your own sexual history. I don’t say that to be mean or disrespectful. It’s just the truth.
Dear Drew I like your response to what JN said.
As a women often times I am disgusted with men who are promiscuous but want to date and marry non promiscuous virgin women. I hate this double standard. I am also a Christian(not perfect) and waiting for marriage to have sex and would prefer my future husband to also be a virgin.
Lastly, thank you for this informative article. It has helped me keep myself in check..
To NJ, people like you deserve the same karma. Point. Blank. Period.
Dear Drew
Thank you for this article. I am a female and this article helps me check myself. I am also a Christian(not perfect) and waiting till marriage to have sex. I would want my husband to be a virgin.
I don’t like when some men are sexual hypocrites. I like your response to NJ. He deserves his karma by all means.
No good healthy-virgin women dwarves his time of day.
Thank you for putting him in his place and checking him.
NJ, you deserve your karma by all means.
Please stop being a hypocrite and grow up. You are too immature to even be in a relationship with this hypocritical mindset.
No virgin women deserves your time of day and good healthy women should stay away from dangerous men as yourself.
Just too many narcissists and feminists very psycho loser low life women everywhere today unfortunately.
Excellent article. I learned some new things from it and confirmed in my mind some things I already knew. I don’t put up with profanity (no class like you said and I can be forceful with my words without using it) and tattoos and/or piercings turn me of, other than a single ear piercing. I heard recently that women with sleeve tattoos are usually “trauma survivors”. Seems to make sense, but I haven’t seen any stats on that.
High body count means they aren’t going to faithful, statistically. So, when I come across things like this I walk. I don’t need the drama or aggravation. Your summation of all these traits falling under self control issues really resonated with me as I’m very disciplined, so the things you pointed out are things I definitely don’t want in a woman.
Reading this article after a night out with an old friend from childhood who I didn’t see for years.
As a woman I was honestly shocked with her behavior. She is extremely beautiful, looking like a supermodel, has a good taste overall and loves money. I thought, ok she is kind of a gold digger, but little did I know what type of life she lives. She was in long relationship of 8 years with the guy and ended up marrying him and having a child. When the boy was only one year old, she left her husband and him for a 20 year older guy who lives in a different country and who also has a lot of money like her previous partner. She got pregnant again after a month of that relationship and married that older guy and moved to his country leaving her kid behind.
And that’s not all.
She told me openly that she has cheated her now husband already many times even though they have a 4 months old baby. She cheated him in the toilette of the club where they were together, she also cheated him in the hotel with two older guys simultaneously and the list goes on. She even said i did so also with my previous husband and he didn’t noticed anything even though i was coming home completely [messed] up. I was disgusted. She had group sex with her femail friends and some random dudes, the list is really long. It left me thinking and wondering in what type of world we live in, I am not naive but this was too much even for me. You would expect that from some street prostitute but not from a married woman with two small babies who also looks good and has no reason to do that. I am wondering why would someone behave like that, what is the motive behind it.
I am sure there is some mental disorder that caused this….
hi 18f here. i wasnt raised religious and grew up in a hyper sexual/ sex accessible generation.
i lost my virginity at 12 just out of interest really because how in your face sex was and i didnt think i would care down the line. since 12 ive had sex with 3 people and have came to realize i get no pleasure from sex outside relationships.
for a 2-3 month period last year i was promiscuous over subreddits posting anonymous nude photos.. i was really just interested what would happen and the fact no one knew who i was or what i looked like was exciting. the sexual attention wasnt gratifying but a hair compliment was nice i will say haha. also sexual psychology really interests me so reading these raw messages from anonymouses was the most addicting part and i eventually found 2 guys who would pay me for a few chest pictures (50 per time). i just felt like ” eh moneys money.”
i do regret it but am almost happy i did and learned the hard way how it made me feel and it didnt last long so i can do better now?
i did what i did and even though the outcome was in some way a positive lesson learned i still feel really gross/underserving the traditional working man im with now.
besides my somewhat messy sexual past i think i have really good qualities. i reason instead of argue, i dont talk to certain men or put up boundaries and frequently bring up my boyfriend, im a homebody/introverted extrovert, i take care of myself physically and eat very well, i dress modestly/ lighter makeup, i dont have a dirty mouth at all, i think independently with facts and am not easily influenced, i have real hobbies and am working on my child care/yoga certification, my love language is being the homemaker, caretaker.
after that long message im asking am i really just a waste of time now?
Currently, I would never marry you, if I knew what you did, your behaviour is absolutely disgusting, and there’s no way to know if such behaviour is out of your system. Maybe it is just who you are, however, I would give you a chance for a relationship, if you were able to keep to yourself for 2-3 years.
If you have truly changed, I would advise against sharing this past with a potential suitor, as it will only bring disgust if they know. However, you should stay by yourself for a while and change before jumping into a relationship, as you are now, you would probably just cheat and cause someone and yourself pain.
Not everyone is looking for a God-fearing prairie wife to raise 20 kids with who knows how to use a rifle to.protect the homestead with additional skills in sewing, doctoring, and managing livestock. If you are looking for that, more power to you, I guess.
Filthy whore women nowadays are a dime a dozen which is why so many of us guys are still single, and not by choice either.
I’m a female that disagrees with #2 because I have mostly male friends. How did this happen? My father was into science fiction so I grew up watching mostly science fiction on TV (Star Trek, Farscape, Dr. Who, Quantum Leap, Red Dwarf, etc). I also read a ton of science fiction and fantasy books while growing up (Terry Brooks, Piers Anthony, etc). I have always been an analytical person and excelled at math and science in school. I loved math in high school because there was always a precise answer and I hated the subjects that were opinionated (subjective). I graduated from my high school with the highest average in Science (Chemistry, Biology and Physics). Then I went on to get a bachelor’s degree in Applied Science, specialization Civil Engineering. I now have a group of 30-50 friends (ages 25-40) and most of them are males. We play Magic the Gathering (MTG), Dungeons and Dragons, Star Wars Edge of the Empire (RPG), Jack Box TV and board games together. I’m also into outdoor activities like camping, basketball, biking, hiking, snow-shoeing, skiing and swimming. Lastly, I consider myself a minimalist, Christian and a conservative. I’m also into anime and lots of my friends are into anime too. Anyway, I have more in common with men then women and that’s how I ended up with tons of male friends. Also at university around 85% of my classmates were male. I have nothing in common with most of the females around me and find it difficult to communicate with them. The women seem too much into social media, too liberal, too politically correct and dumb. .Most of the females around me cannot carry on an intellectual conversation and lack basic math skills. At my age, they are also mostly talking about their kids which I find boring. The other important point I should mention is that I’m a black female and almost all my friends are white males because I live in a remote tiny community. Although, I dress feminine in dresses, skirts or skorts everyday, it does not seem that my male friends realize that I’m a female. It might be because of my race but to be honest I’m not very feminine. I’m in my 30s and would like to get married someday but I haven’t had a boyfriend in several years. It’s extremely rare that come across a man that I find attractive romantically. I don’t like the way most of my male friends smell and feel repelled by the ones with stinky feet, the ones that don’t wear deodorant and when they fart around me. I HAVE ONE RULE THOUGH. I NEVER HANG OUT WITH A MAN ALONE. I TRY TO HANG OUT WITH GROUPS OF 4 OR MORE PEOPLE AT ALL TIMES. I HAVE MY OWN PLACE AND CAN HOST 12 MTG PLAYERS AT A TIME. SINCE I NEVER HANG OUT WITH A MALE ALONE, THEY NEVER GET TO CLOSE TO ME. So, in my opinion, if a female hangs out with males but always in large groups, it is fine. I’m sad to see that I would be a women that the author would advise you to stay clear of. I do have one major flaw though. I can be very competitive but most of my male friends are extremely competitive too and I enjoy competitiveness at the game table and outdoors.
Had a long term, live in relationship with a bona fide borderline personality disorder who only scored 3 or 4 of these.
I guess promiscuity wasn’t one of her red flags (plenty of other black flags though, which only manifested weeks and months down the track ..)
So keep in mind that just because someone might score well here doesn’t make them a good partner.
Now I’m trying to figure out a lovely young woman who scores like 10 or 12 on this scale.
A shame, she seems so into me, it’s an intoxicating feeling.
I guess she’ll be into a whole lot of other people, sooner or later..