She asked me if I was happy.
How in the world do you answer that?
You might be one of those weirdos who can spout “yes” without a moment’s thought, but me? I keep things complicated here.
Sure, the newfound respect I gained in my career nudged me towards a “yes”. The rare lack of drama, sickness, and chaos did too. And the fact that I was even with her at all almost tipped the scales.
The truth was, things were finally different…but happiness wasn’t something I could lie about.
One of life’s most cruel moments is when you’re given something you craved for years, maybe even for a lifetime, only to see that it doesn’t satisfy—at least not to the extent you thought it would.
“If only I had more money.” “If only people respected me.” “If only I had a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife.”
People’s whole lives are driven by similar desires (and the presumed happiness their attainment will bring). That’s why we climb our mountain, we get on our quote-unquote grind, and we spend every waking hour thinking of how our investment will pay off in the future.
Sometimes, all of this works. People eventually see what you saw from the start. They recognize your talent, growth, and determination, and they actually get on board.
But that’s when it gets weird, man. It’s gets oh so very weird. Because those reward centers in your brain start telling you that everything’s fine now.
You don’t have to be the person you were before. Why strive in the present when your past speaks for itself? Why train in the dark when your accomplishments shine in the light? Why pray to a “God” when you clearly have everything in control?
And even though you can’t hear it, you feel your mind say this:
“You have the things that make people happy, so stop doing what unhappy people do.”
That is the most dangerous feeling in the world.
When you accept that thought, you deceive yourself as a prisoner of the moment.
I’ve said before that the way things are now is not how they will always be, but that message doesn’t only apply to hard times. Sure, everyone loves a pep talk about resilience when life gets tough, but what about perspective when things do go your way?
Failure, heartache, and need are obvious foes, but arrogance, complacency, and pride? Not so much. Those three convince you that you’re invincible—that you can get away with cutting corners because nothing’s gonna happen anyway.
I’ve seen too many examples of this mentality recently, and I’d rather not be another victim. That’s why I struggled so hard to answer if I was happy before. I didn’t get it then, but neither a “yes” or a “no” expressed my true feelings.
I can’t deny that life is enjoyable these days, but the perspective I’ve gained won’t let me revel in it for long. Things won’t always stay the same. The first can become last and the last can become first. So it’s best to be a bit of both.
Right now, I’m just a happy person doing unhappy person things.
Perhaps that’s all we were ever meant to be.
-Drew
Photo by Aryan Fo on Unsplash.
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