I recently got a question from a fellow Christian about soulmates.
Despite reading my warnings about the danger of soulmate thinking, he still believed it, and it was mostly because of church teaching.
Sure, it’s easy to reject secular beliefs, but with the way people over-spiritualize the Bible, I understand why he thought the way he did.
Anyways, we talked it over and addressed the issue, but I thought it would be a good idea to cover it here too. A lot of people think destiny’s reserved one person to share a perfect life with them. So let’s look at this idea from both a secular and biblical view.
What is a Soulmate?
The soulmate concept ranges everywhere from optimal reality to impossible ideal. That’s why we need to define what one actually is.
Dictionary.com defines a soulmate as “a person with whom one has a strong affinity, shared values and tastes, and often a romantic bond”. So in other words, a soulmate is someone you’re compatible with.
By this definition, I’d say yes, there is a soulmate for everyone. No one is so weird that they don’t share common interests with another person.
But with that said, we all know this isn’t what people have in mind when they think of soulmates. In practice, the secular definition is more like “a highly-attractive telepath who lives to please you”.
This kind of thinking hurts everyone involved, and here are three reasons why:
#1 It’s Narcissistic
Yes, soulmate thinking is narcissistic.
You might think it’s innocent since you “just want to be loved”, but there’s the problem: it’s all about you.
It’s about how the other person makes you feel, how attractive you think they are, and how easily they get along with you.
Yes, those are valid concerns, but you have to realize that the other person is…well, a person too. They also have feelings, desires, and goals of their own. And while their compatibility with you is important, no human was put on this earth to please you.
Soulmate thinking puts way too much pressure on the other person. Not only does “the one” have to look perfect 24/7, they also have to read your mind and be free of any character traits you don’t like.
#2 It Makes You Passive
Soulmate thinking also removes the perceived need for effort. After all, when you find “the one”, it’ll just work out, right?
Destiny will ensure you two get together, so don’t worry about actually talking to people. “The universe” wouldn’t want you to do that.
This all leads to a very passive mindset. And if you somehow stumble into a relationship, you’ll end it at the first sign of conflict because you won’t expect it to happen with your soulmate.
People who think this way often complain about a lack of high-quality partners, but if you expect perfect people to chase you down, you’re the only one who’s wasting your time.
#3 It Breeds Discontent
Ignoring good and chasing perfection. That’s what people do when they’re not content.
No matter how good you have it now, soulmate thinking always says you can do better. Yeah, your current partner treats you well, and yes, they’ve proven multiple times that they love you, but they just don’t get you like your soulmate would, so why not drop them and look for an upgrade?
This mindset is so toxic that I’m surprised grown adults think this way, but our sky-high divorce rate is proof they do.
The truth is, most relationship problems could be solved if people lowered their expectations. Besides, even if you don’t have the greatest bond now, that doesn’t mean you can’t grow close over time.
Clicking with someone at the start is not a sure sign of destiny. In fact, expecting it all the time can actually put you in danger.
People with cluster B personality disorders feast on that expectation. They will mirror your personality, tell you how perfect you are, and love-bomb you within a span of a week. And if you foolishly accept stuff like that as the norm, you will pay the price later.
Soulmates: What Does the Bible Say?
Now that we’ve defined secular soulmates and seen the danger of this mindset, let’s look at the biblical view.
The Bible never mentions the word “soulmate”, but from the text, it’s clear that your biblical “soulmate” is simply the person you choose to marry.
This marriage bond is what the Bible calls a “one-flesh” relationship (Matt. 19:4-6; cf. Gen. 2:24). It’s the only biblically approved context for a man and woman to unite physically, emotionally, and spiritually for life.
The biblical view here isn’t about finding the perfect person who completes you—perfect people don’t exist, and only God can satisfy the human heart.
Your biblical “soulmate” is just the person you commit to. That’s it.
The Bible is actually less spiritual on this matter than many unbelievers are.
Now of course we shouldn’t make the marriage decision lightly. The Bible tells Christians to “not be unequally yoked with unbelievers” (2 Cor. 6:14). And the idea here is that Christians and nonbelievers won’t share common goals in a relationship, especially one as close as marriage. So a potential “soulmate” should never be a non-Christian.
The Bible also puts a much greater emphasis on character than the world does (1 Sam. 16:7, Prov. 31:30, 1 Pet. 3:3-4 NASB). That’s why Christians know that a true “soulmate” has to have a beautiful heart.
Does God Send Soulmates?
Finally, I want to address the weird destiny thing that’s attached to the soulmate concept.
The secular form of this idea is completely false and deludes people into discontent. But for Christians, is our choice really all there is to it?
Well, the answer’s yes and no.
I could go theological galaxy brain and say that God knows who your “soulmate” is because He’s omniscient and knows who you’ll eventually marry. But this knowledge doesn’t help from our perspective, so I won’t go down that road.
God’s sovereignty, however, does work in our romantic lives.
The book of Proverbs says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord” (Prov. 18:22). So finding a good spouse isn’t solely on us (see Prov. 19:14).
A compatible partner also falls under the things-given-to-us-when-we-seek-God’s-kingdom-first umbrella (Matt. 6:31-33 NIV). Most unmarried Christians aren’t built for the biblically-prescribed celibate life, so it only makes sense for our loving Provider to send a good match our way if we ask (see 1 Cor. 7:9 NIV).
One story that comes to mind here is the one of Isaac and Rebekah in Genesis 24. Long story short, Abraham, who was Isaac’s father, didn’t want Isaac to marry a local woman, so he sent a servant elsewhere to find a wife for his son.
When the servant arrived, he prayed that the woman who gave him and his camels water at a nearby well would be God’s choice for Isaac’s wife (Gen. 24:12, Gen. 24:14). Then, before the servant finished praying, a young woman named Rebekah met him and gave the servant and his camels water (Gen. 24:15-20). And this fulfillment of the request eventually led to Isaac and Rebekah’s marriage (Gen. 24:67).
The historical context of this story is obviously different than ours. The Bible isn’t prescribing that singles make similar requests at a local well either. But the story does show how God can work to bring people together.
Even if God sends someone though, you’ll still have to commit to the relationship and work through it in a godly manner. Yes, it’ll be easier since Christians are more compatible with each other, but no human will ever be perfect.
Commit, and Be Content
So there’s the answer to the soulmate question.
My final advice here: Stop chasing unicorns and be proactive with someone compatible now.
Get experience making the most of every relationship you’re in. That way you’ll be ready when it’s time to choose a soulmate yourself.
-Drew
Photo Credits (in order of appearance): Valentin Antonucci, Taryn Elliott, mentatdgt, and Trung Nguyen on Pexels; Ben White on Unsplash
Thank you so much for writing this article in pursuit of biblical wisdom in contrast to worldly knowledge. I began to ponder this subject after hearing a popular teacher expound on the subject. I didn’t believe that his points were biblical. I feel safer saying that a couple who commits to marriage; taking vows before God and man will have the opportunity to become “one flesh” according to Matthew 19:6 (KJV) Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.. I submit the following 1. One must surrender to Christ as Lord and Savior as a daily walk (lifestyle) 2. One must not succumb to fear, but love courageously. This requires humility and a willingness to serve your spouse as a part of their lifestyle of worshipping Jesus. 3. One must allow himself/herself to become vulnerable with their spouse. Being honest and transparent about their fears, likes and dislikes. Being able to take constructive feedback. Listening and being free to laugh at oneself. Openly and freely sharing- communicate with words, body language, physical touch, emotions and intellect.
4. Being generous, giving and proactively sharing all things with our spouse.
God has given us everything pertaining to life and godliness. 2 Peter 1:3
5. Celebrating each other both privately and publicly. This makes the marriage testimony a witness in the home, in the community and in the kingdom of God. The authentic celebration of this union also serves notice on the devil and every demon in hell. No weapon formed shall prosper and every tongue that rises up shall be condemned according to Isaiah 54:17. Marriage is God’s business! He is well able to keep, sustain and prosper our relationships. One final thought, in consideration of the apostle Paul’s letter to the Galatians. Don’t be foolish, why do you think that what you started in the spirit can be finished in the flesh? (Emphasis is mine) Galatians 3:3. Paul is speaking about salvation in the text but I suggest the same is true of marriage. It is a spiritual discipline and must be submitted to the spirit of God. It must be bathed in prayer, steeped in the Word of God and nourished in order to flourish.
You’re welcome. I always try to explain what the Bible actually says instead of what sounds right to our ears.
Thanks to you for reading and for some good advice too.
You lost me at “People over spritulize the Bible”
Brother do you seriously believe yourself? Read it again please.
God Bless and Have a great day.
Danny Darryl Williams
Hi Darryl,
I’m not really sure what you mean by your comment. Can you please elaborate?
By over-spiritualize, I’m referring to the common practice of making allegories and developing false doctrines based off texts that describe something that is straightforward. It also involves reading ideas into the text that simply aren’t there.
I am by no means saying that there aren’t real supernatural events and truths described in Scripture though.
Let me take this opportunity to really say i am thankful for the powerful revelation. Well researched subject and Divinely guided. The devil lies are vanquished
That’s what I’m here for. Thank you for reading.
This has always had me confused! I mean if say your wife thinks you are her soul mate and that’s how it works in heaven, your wife is your soul mate then what happens if you’ve been married two maybe even three or more times. That certainly would be odd if you bumped into all three say! I would have to say my first girlfriend I ever had. We were inseparable for almost 4 years, our entire high-school years but you’re young and jobs and schooling pull you in different paths. We talk time to time and we are clearly still in love with one another but have families and other obligations but if I were in my 80’s and the same for her and there were no attachments holding us then I know for a fact we would come back to one another. Just never felt the attachment or love down in me for anyone like I do her and I realize that’s on me. But I just believe. I mean I don’t know how it will work when we finally get to heaven but it just seems like it wouldn’t feel like heaven without her with me. I don’t know maybe I need locked away and fed a strict prescription of lithium and sometimes think it blasphemous to think such but God gave me this heart these feelings and each other.
Hey Michael,
I get what you’re saying. Sometimes we meet people we’re strongly attracted to and are very compatible with, but those things aren’t evidence that we should abandon previous commitments or even allow the non-committed relationship to grow.
Our feelings for certain people may be extremely strong, but our feelings don’t define reality or morality. That’s why we have to discipline them.
And with regards to your statements about heaven, Jesus actually mentioned that people won’t be married in eternity (Matthew 22:30). Marriage is an earthly institution that symbolizes the relationship believers will have with God in heaven. So it’s important to keep that in mind.
Love that verse! Thank you! Thank you! Every young women in the world needs to know that verse. The Bible is clear that souls STAND ALONE before God. Being one flesh is just that…flesh…like your child being one flesh made of two. Saving your soul mate is Arthurian, not Christian. There are men’s clubs that teach the mystical union of man and wife is God’s plan, but they need to spend more time researching the wayward debauchery of their fallen king, Solomon. In East of Eden, Steinbeck implies women will beg God to get Magic Men (the kings of our day) into heaven, and all will be well. I think Daniel 2:44 states otherwise, just matter-of-factly, not wanting that horrible fate for them!
I have a soulmate. While he lived, we were soulmates for 39 years. Since his death in 2015…..we are still soulmates. I think about him everyday…all day …I can’t wait to see him again. I know we will…God is so good and true….I believe.!
Congrats on such a long time together Jeanne. That’s an incredible achievement.
Sounds like he’ll be very happy to see you as well.
I really loved the second half of this! The first half had energy that felt a bit harsh, resentful and opinionated.. I almost stopped reading but the second half covered biblical truths I enjoyed.
What are your thoughts on It Is already Written? I feel like my attachment to the idea of a soulmate is due to the understanding that God already knows, he has it all planned out and written. So he therefore would know who I marry and have it aligned for me.
Hey Kate, thanks for reading.
The first half reads the way it does because I’ve seen how damaging ideas like this can be firsthand. Bad experiences have a way of showing up like that in my writing (although I’ve since tried to become more gentle). To be honest though, I think it’s good that the tone changes for the better after leaving the world’s frustrating ways and moving to God’s way instead.
To answer your question here, there’s always a puzzling mix of how God’s sovereignty acts along with and through human action. Take salvation for example. God already knows who will and won’t be saved, but Christians still share the gospel with everyone and teach them about Christ. Problems arise, however, when we add our own standards and conditions onto who we think we should talk to. This then leads to missed opportunities to spread biblical truths.
A similar thing can happen in the soulmate situation. Yes, there may be someone out there who God already knows about, but it’s not our job to get too deep into that. Our job is to look for the only biblical requirement——that the person is a genuine Christian——and then use wisdom to determine if they are a good match. We can use the knowledge that God cares for us and will provide a good partner to encourage us, but when we go too far trying to understand every detail of God’s will, we predictably make matters more complicated than they are.
The Church needs to face that many New Agers have been deceived by the idea of Soulmates, and now the Church is infiltrated with New Agers. These ideas are recycled from Gnosticism–a women cannot go to heaven without joining a mystical union with a man (joy, even ancient Hades was chauvinistic for the plebeians until Jesus). The real curiosity is…has this crept into the Church through seemingly pro-family cohorts like Modern Masonry and Christian Nationalism? Perhaps it is just because one cannot escape the idea of Soulmates or The One while listening to secular radio. “Don’t fear the Reaper. Baby take my Hand.” The book ‘Gnostic America’ posits a theory about these songs being about Eros Gnostic love for Sophia (Wisdom, NOT GOD).
The definition of deception is pretty obviously applied here. Would you believe you are uniting with Sophia? That’s it–your soulmate! Joining the Cosmic Oneness? Soulmate! Married to a Magic Man in a Mystical Union? He is your soulmate married to your world to protect you! Throwing pottery with with a shirtless ghost–Soulmate! Having psychic sex with your real soulmate while your actual spouse who is a real person God made to inhabit Earth stays there in the “purgatory” since your spouse just can’t seem to philander enough to become a holy jailbroken dove. Soulmates!!! Whatever you believe, that’s what I’m selling. – Satan
Thank you too many people out there preaching, and not the word!