How (And When) to Stop Caring What People Think About You

I opened my email after dinner yesterday and saw the following message:

“[Blank] you!”

I couldn’t contain my laughter afterwards.

Seeing that message would have hurt me 15 years ago, but I’ve since learned how to stop caring what people think. Apparently, this is a highly desirable and uncommon skill, so I’ll show you how to do the same thing.

Why should you trust me you ask?

Well, I’ve published some form of work on the internet since I was a teenager, I survived a very public embarrassment in college, I endured false accusations from a woman with a literal mental illness (and also from a crowd of people who believed said woman with mental illness), and now I write about some controversial topics like religion online.

Life put me in positions where I couldn’t afford to care about the nonsense spewed my way. And for the most part, I’ve since become a well-adjusted human being.

So how can you learn to do the same thing? How can you stop caring what people think about you without becoming a cold, heartless, sociopath?

This article will show you how.

But before we get to the “how-to” though, we need to determine when to use such a powerful skill.

When to Stop Caring What People Think (3 Reasons)

There are three conditions that should each remove your care for people’s thoughts. Two of the reasons are about other people, but the first is actually about you.

Reason 1: You Don’t Even Know What They Think

There is a ton of hate in our world today, but that doesn’t mean you should assume it from everyone.

Please realize most people aren’t thinking about you—especially if you don’t express yourself in public. Others are far more concerned with their own lives.

Most of us who want to stop caring what people think don’t even receive hate. We’re just scared of the possibility of it.

This fear of people’s thoughts and the desire to always be liked is a form of pride.

Don’t get me wrong, having a trustworthy name and a good reputation is incredibly valuable, but if you are so concerned with people’s thoughts that it paralyzes you, re-examine how you think about yourself.

Are you so perfect that no one should ever think negative thoughts toward you? Are you so important that you should never be seen making a mistake? You won’t do anything if that’s the case because there will always be a chance something goes wrong.

None of us are capable of reading people’s minds. And others don’t always respond how we think they will anyway, so don’t let the potential of bad thoughts deny you any chance of a good result.

Reason 2: They Attack You Personally

Anyone who attacks you instead of your argument, your performance, or your work deserves zero care for their thoughts. Why? Because responding this way shows a clear lack of maturity.

If a person is so overwhelmed by emotion that they can’t form a profanity-free argument, you’ll only be dragged down by engaging them.

They aren’t interested in problem-solving, respectful debate, or improvement, so what exactly is left to gain?

Going back to the email I received earlier, what was I supposed to do with that?

• Maybe my words were too harsh in an article and I should change its tone.
• Maybe I took a stance the reader misinterpreted as hateful.
• Maybe I’m supposed to know I made him feel bad and stop writing forever.

Even if it was something I was willing to change, I’ll never know because nothing helpful was provided.

Hate-filled speech like that is a cheap way to express emotion without explaining why you’re upset. If others lack the emotional control or forethought to approach you with their issues respectfully, there’s no need to consider their thoughts.

Reason 3: They Criticize Unfairly

Every form of criticism is not hate. Occasional reminders that you aren’t perfect are useful. The problem these days is people take everything to the extreme.

Gone are the days when balanced criticism made with a goal of mutual improvement was the norm. Almost all of us criticize unfairly today—even if we’re not aware that we do.

This unfair criticism is trickier to spot than overt hate, but the following signs of it are signals that you should stop caring too:

• Always and only noting shortcomings — No one on this planet is only bad at what they do. Even when you’re just starting an activity, there’s usually a glimmer of something done right. If you’re constantly reminded of every wrong thing you’ve done and are never shown balance, feel free to ignore.
• Objectively false criticism — Useful criticism is based on the present reality, not assumptions or how things were years ago. Many people have a bias for how they judge others that’s not based on anything real—they just take the lazy route to criticize instead of reviewing new data to be fair. Ignore this signal to stop proving yourself to people who won’t care either way.
• Hypocritical criticism — Those who judge hypocritically ask you to be Superman, then they yell “gotcha!” when you inevitably fall short. It doesn’t matter if they—or even your peers—aren’t capable of meeting those standards either. People who judge this way are more concerned with seeing you fail.
• No alternatives or suggestions for improvement — Never providing suggestions to improve reveals the true nature of a person’s judgment. Those who do offer alternatives and better options see your potential. They want to help you go beyond what you already are. Those who refuse such helpfulness care more about finding fault. Their goal isn’t to help, but to punish, so they’re fine leaving you in the dark.
• No attempt to understand you or your intentions — Some of the worst mistakes in our lives occur during the most challenging times of our lives. No, we can’t use that fact as an excuse, but it is a reason. Those who invalidate your experiences don’t respect your humanity, so of course they won’t respect your actions. People and their motivations can be complex though, so if someone’s willing to ignore your intentions, it’s safe for you to ignore them.

How to Stop Caring What People Think (5 Tips)

Now it’s time for the “how-to”.

Below are 5 tips on how to stop caring what people think.

Tip 1: Expect Opposition

You shouldn’t assume hate, but you should definitely expect it.

It doesn’t matter how small of an action you take or if you don’t do anything wrong at all, someone somewhere will oppose it. It’ll be much easier to stop caring though if this hate doesn’t surprise you.

When you view opposition as a normal and expected risk, you can more easily protect yourself from harm. It’s like the routine of putting on a seat belt when you drive. You prepare yourself each time you hit the road for the possibility that a wreck may occur, even though the probability is low.

The most negative event that could happen in both scenarios won’t hurt as much when you’re already prepared.

Tip 2: Accept Your Limited Ability to Change Minds

Many of us believe all differences can be reasoned with or talked away. We think if only we understood each other and walked a day in each other’s shoes, then disagreement would be a thing of the past, so we chase this ideal with fervent discussion hoping to force converts to our side.

I hate to burst your bubble here, but no one is so good at persuasion that they can turn every heart and mind. Sometimes, you need to agree to disagree. It’s a test of humility to recognize when others simply don’t want to accept you.

Granted, there are times when people do need more convincing. Maybe they’re receptive to your efforts and just need more time to fully agree, but even then, you don’t have as much control with them as you think.

Focus on what you need to do instead of something that’s out of your hands. That way, it won’t matter if you’re hated. You won’t be invested enough in their response to care.

Tip 3: Filter What You See and Hear

The easiest way to ignore hate is to remove your opportunity to see it.

For example, I remember a popular social media app back in college that was specific to the school I attended. The app allowed students to make anonymous comments about whatever they wanted, and it was a good way to know the community’s thoughts at any time. Problem was, I didn’t have the best reputation at points back then, so what used to be a good way to know the pulse of my school became an anxiety-inducing hate storm that may or may not have been directed at me.

It didn’t matter if my anxiety was justified or not, I deleted that app because the small benefit it gave wasn’t worth the insecurity.

You may have apps right now that make you feel the same way.

I’m not saying you have to follow in my footsteps and delete those apps entirely, but look for options to better control what you consume—both online, and in real life.

Tip 4: Focus On Your Anchors

There are certain people in life who care about you and their opinions do have importance. I refer to these people as “anchors” because their thoughts actually hold weight.

These people could be trusted family members, friends, work colleagues, or other experts who have proven their thoughts are worth considering. Focusing on these anchors will help you stop caring about what random people think.

There’s a natural vulnerability involved with receiving another’s input though, so make sure you’ve screened for good anchors beforehand so you don’t open up to the wrong people.

How exactly do you screen for good anchors? Consider the following traits below:

• Education — Is this person informed about what they discuss?
• Experience — Has this person experienced what they talk about and claim expertise for (or do they only have “book knowledge” about how things should be)?
• Relationship — How close is your relationship to this person? Are they a family member, a friend, or a partner? Have they demonstrated that they actually care about you?
• Helpfulness — Does this person give useful and balanced feedback? Do they occasionally say “no” instead of being a “yes-man”?
• Maturity — Can you trust them to keep their cool instead of exploding with emotion?

If a person has high marks in those areas, you can most likely trust them as an anchor. Just remember that anchor status is built on trust over time and proof of helpfulness. Don’t be eager to give random people this status in your life.

Choosing good anchors will ensure you always have someone helpful in your corner, even if it seems the world is out to get you.

Tip 5: Love Your Enemies

My last tip is counterintuitive, but it is the most important.

You need to remove your malice for even the people who hate you.

I know that is much easier said than done, and some might say it’s impossible to do naturally, but it’s the strongest way to stop caring about negative reactions.

If your “haters” knew you actually cared for even their best interests, they wouldn’t think the way they do. And if you truly develop compassion for those who don’t like you, you’ll see that their hate is based off a false premise—and it’s not worth caring about an opinion formed from a wrong assumption.

Take the guy who emailed me earlier again for example. I don’t know his background or life experiences, but I have never written anything with the intention of tearing people down for its own sake. He also doesn’t know that I actually prayed for him later after receiving his message. And since I honestly have no ill-will towards him, it’s not worth thinking about his baseless hate.

Trust me, it is very difficult to think like this. In many ways, it’s not even fair for you, but acting this way is too powerful to ignore.

There are times when your opposition wants to bait you into aggression, but that’s the time to show maturity, recognize the fight you’re being dragged into, and control yourself to protect the other person.

Ironically, the best way to stop caring what people think is to care for those people despite their feelings toward you.

How To Stop Caring What People Think: A Summary

So that’s how you do it.

There was a surprisingly large amount to cover here though, so here’s a summary of how (and when) to stop caring what people think:

When to Stop Caring What People Think About You

• Reason 1: You Don’t Even Know What They Think
• Reason 2: They Attack You Personally
• Reason 3: They Criticize Unfairly

How to Stop Caring What People Think About You

• Tip 1: Expect Opposition
• Tip 2: Accept Your Limited Ability to Change Minds
• Tip 3: Filter What You See and Hear
• Tip 4: Focus On Your Anchors
• Tip 5: Love Your Enemies

All the tips above help me tremendously to guard against hate, and I hope you’ll use them too to stay unfazed.

-Drew